Trudging Towards the Light!

I HATE the way I’ve been feeling lately, but I am DETERMINED to get better. I got closure on a previous relationship last night. It was extremely painful, but I am finally going to be able to let go. Somehow, through that pain I was able to go out & run today, & tonight I started a great new motivational book called Atomic Habits by James Clear. I am working on rekindling my passion for life & the person I once was. I am a Leo & I want to be that roaring lioness once more. I am going to retrain my mind to be the person I wish to become. So stay tuned because there is more on that to come. Also, I WILL be working on the podcast I promised to start a while back. Thank you for your patience with me through my dark period. ❤

 

Morose

I haven’t been feeling myself lately, & for that I am truly sorry! I haven’t been writing at all lately, not for quite some time. I decided to do something about that tonight. This poem just goes to show that no one is happy & positive all the time. No matter how hard we may try, we all get down. We all have bad days. We all go through slumps. Sometimes what we need is solidarity. To know that we are not alone. I am hoping that maybe someone can relate to what I wrote tonight. No matter what you may be feeling, I promise you there is someone out there who feels the same way! So today I decided to write. I knew what came out of my fingertips wouldn’t be joyful. But, writing has always been my escape. It is what makes me, me. I knew that the longer I put off writing the longer I’d feel dead inside. So I did the only thing I knew to do & let me mind escape from my head onto the page. ❤ This was the result:

Once a girl full of wonder

Now mobile, breathing corpse

Go to work, then come home

Nothing happens but remorse

 

Holidays are nonexistent

Feelings just the same

Eating to postpone the grave

In this body devoid of flame

 

Her life perceived as over

No writing & no thoughts

Ceasing to create her own

How can this cycle be stopped?

 

Swept into imaginary worlds

Through books & in her dreams

Scrolling through her phone

Wasting time staring at memes

 

What happened to the soul

That sparkled like a diamond 

In the society, which is rough?

 

Her light diminished

Her world now dark

When will it be enough?

 

They say the spirit is eternal

That it goes beyond the grave

But, what happens when the spirit

Becomes the body’s slave?

Z Publishing Emerging Poet 2019

Hello everyone!

I would like to sincerely apologize for my recent absence for which I have no valid excuse. I suppose I have been lacking motivation. But, what does that even mean? It means I’ve been lazy. & for that I would like to apologize to my readers. Please accept my apology, & let’s move forward!

Today I was bestowed the great honor of having one of my poems selected for publishing! Z Publishing House will be printing my poem “Positivity is a Virus” in their Emerging Poets of 2019 series. You can find it in the Mississippi edition available December 7th. I received a draft of the book tonight & I was elated to find that my poem was FIRST in the “Inspiration” category. I am ecstatic for this opportunity & hope everyone goes out & purchases a copy!

Thank you to my loyal followers & anyone who just happened upon this page by chance. I hope you too will find my writing captivating enough to stick around. Only up from here! ❤

PS

You can purchase the book at ZPublishingHouse.com

Unworthy (religious)

As the heavy rain falls down

It seems my world may end

I inhale the water & drown

‘Cause it’s better than living with what I did

I wish this was holy water

To wash away my sins

But instead this rain makes mud

So thick that I need fins

I don’t pray for a life raft

To save my evil soul

Instead I slit my own neck

Creating gills through which to blow

My God, My Father, I do not deserve your grace

I completely understand if you look into my face

As I reach your kingdom’s gates

& you banish me to Hell

I will not be surprised 

I won’t fight I won’t yell

My insides have turned toxic

My gut begins to rot

I won’t accept forgiveness

My stomach is a knot

Swelling from the inside

Soon to burst like a balloon

Spraying my wicked ways

Like confetti across the room

I should be quarantined

To protect others from my flesh

But I know that you forgive me

& my slate has been refreshed

There is no amount of gratitude 

To thank you for your love

I will never be worthy

I should be disposed of ~Kimily Trehern

We are not worthy of God’s love, or the gift of His son. No matter what we do, or don’t do, that will never change. No matter how good we think we are, we will never be deserving. No matter how horrible of a person we consider ourselves, he loves us anyways. The free gift of eternal life is quite literally priceless. So when you feel like you could never be forgiven, think again. You have unlimited chances. Your soul is precious. Use your mistakes to learn from. Then let go. ❤

You only get one heart, guard it well!

I have previously written about the monologue given by Professor Perlman (Michael Stuhlbarg) at the end of Call Me by Your Name. I quoted the part where he says,

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 & have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

Today, however, I want to focus on a different portion of the monologue. Near the end he says,

“Remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. Pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt.”

I love this entire monologue so much, but the phrase out of this portion that stood out to me most was the fact that our hearts are given to us only once. As is everything he says here, this is entirely true. So knowing that, why do we willingly give pieces of ourselves away? So many of us think we have to break our hearts like Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) breaks the tiara in the movie Mean Girls. Her whole goal is to spread the pieces & make everyone feel like a queen. This is a very generous concept & while we should certainly put out love & kindness into the world to make everyone feel like they are important, I do not believe it works the same in love & relationships. 

If we loan out our soul to just anyone who shows interest, our hearts will quickly diminish in size. What we have left to give will be withered away before the right person comes along. It is impossible to prevent a heart from being broken, it will happen to most, as unfortunate as that may be… If we aren’t cautious who we let in, it has the potential to occur repetitively. I’m by no means saying to close yourself off to every prospect who enters your life & put a target on their head. Rather, take your time. 

We live in a society based on instant gratification & consumerism. We want what we want & we want it ASAP. Not to get too religious, but the Bible states that “love is patient.” If we want to be able to provide our partner with the whole heart full of love they deserve, we cannot rush to give it away. When we rush into things, they often don’t last as long, & we leave things behind, which are stolen by the other party as we rush right back out. Taking our time, getting to know people before offering up all we have saves us a lot of heartache. 

I’ve often heard the popular quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first.” Protect yourself, don’t shatter your heart & pass out the shards to every punk who comes along. Save the whole thing for the one who offers you the same. We are only given one heart, take care of it! 

That being said, if you have been hurt, broken, even shattered, do not fight to wash away the pain. Feeling isn’t a bad thing in & of itself. It shows your heart is still functioning, despite anything it may have endured. When we erase our memories, we will surely lose beautiful moments as well. Use the good times to restore the parts of your heart that need some TLC. &, use the bad experiences to remind you how great the moments of joy were. Don’t look back with disdain. Simply move forward slowly, not rushing, but relishing the process of growing closer to someone. Filling your cup with great moments so that you have more to offer in the end. ❤

Self Published… FINALLY

I finally did it! I typed, formatted, & (self) published my first book. A collection of my poetry from the last 10-15 years or so. I am more proud of some works than others, however, it is all a part of who I am. You can now download an ebook version or a hardcopy by following the link below. I apologize for some of the formatting being off. It was my first time doing this & I was so excited to complete the project I probably didn’t focus on that as much as I should have… Please check it out, buy it, share it… Let’s get the word out! I’ll be starting on my next book soon. It will be focused on the power of positive thinking. ❤

http://www.blurb.com/b/9293428-random-bits-of-my-brain

 

 

Musical Chairs

Life is a game of musical chairs. I’m just tired of always being the last one left standing. This week I have once again been struggling with the belief that I am lagging behind in life. I am well into my 28th year of life & still struggling to find a job in the medical field (which I have a degree in) as well as someone to walk through life with. As always, this is a frustrating, disheartening mindset. But as such, it can be controlled. 

I’m sure you have heard quotes similar to the following: “you can’t control the situation, but you can control your reaction.” While this may sound cliche, it is in fact true. I experienced two highly negative issues this week. One affected me more than the other as one occurred to my friend & one occurred to me. As I listened to my friend venting about her struggle it was easy for me to stay positive & encourage her. Remind her how lucky she was & help her focus on better things. Yet when later that evening I had my own aggravating encounter, I was quickly saddened & let my anger take over. I spent the entire following day allowing my emotions to control my thoughts. 

I finally realized what I already knew, that emotions affect your reaction. When something negative is placed in your life, is easy to act quickly based on how the event makes you feel. This is not always a bad thing, sometimes we have an overwhelmingly positive reaction to things. But if we let our emotions run our mind, we will often find ourselves crouched in a corner of disappointment. Even the most outwardly confident person contains self-doubt. I read somewhere that our brain often underestimates what we are capable of. This is why we constantly overthink things. Only a true sociopath can live a life with a clear conscious. The rest of us, while some more than others, will premeditate or ruminate on things we cannot control.

While you are free to make decisions in your own life, so are others. Meaning, despite any decision you may make, situations are not always going to have your desired outcome. This leaves you making follow up decisions. We cannot control everything that happens in life. That is a simple fact. What we can control, is how we react. Emotions are not a bad thing in & of themselves. Yet, they are powerful, & when we act on them without any logic they can take control. 

Next time negativity strikes, take a step back, breathe, & try to organize your thoughts before acting out. Keep in mind that your reaction to a situation will, in many cases, affect someone else. Don’t ignite a chain of negativity. Learn to turn the other cheek, without allowing yourself to be walked on. Most importantly, stay focused. When we set goals in place & work towards those we will continue to move forward. Choosing to control your thoughts & emotions is certainly a difficult task, but it is so incredibly important. I have written before about this self control being a muscle that must be exercised. So do not be lazy! Work on feeding your thoughts into a river of positivity. Sift through, removing all the bad. Only let the good flow through. Your reward will be a happier, more carefree life. Do not rush time, it cannot be controlled. Let go of the need to be in control. ❤

“Forever I feel like a record on repeat

Time is pendulum, back & forth it swings

Yet time only moves forward on this planet that we live

People pressure time & they beg it to give

As my words remain the same

Time is constant; doesn’t change

The older you get the quicker time passes & the less you posses

So when life slips you by, then you begin to stress

Without being God, you can’t slow it down

& all your fun moments swim by & you drown

You’ll rush life away

But you want certain moments to stay

You can’t pick & choose

Time won’t be abused

So try not to wish your short time away

Be fulfilled by each moment; let every second stay

Stretch time out, as long as you can

Marinate in the now, don’t focus on future plans

The present is all the time you are promised

The future isn’t guaranteed, so with yourself be honest

Enjoy where you’re at, don’t return to past thoughts

They can’t be changed, & your present will be lost” ~Kimily Trehern