heart

The Ultimate Doctor

The full technical term for my job is an echocardiography sonographer. In simpler terms, I do ultrasound of the heart. I always joke around saying, “come to me all you who are weary, & I will find where your heart is broken.” Of course, I am completely kidding when I say this. I can’t actually see a hurting heart, but I can evaluate the structure & function of your physical heart finding any irregularities. It is my responsibility to discover anything wrong with the heart & document it. I then write up a report & submit that along with my study to the cardiologist (heart doctor).

Unfortunately, ultrasound is not a perfect science. It has limitations. The visibility can be affected by quite a number of things making the study particularly difficult to read, & if you aren’t able to get exactly the right angles, your measurements may be off. These limitations can lead to misdiagnoses or even failure to diagnosis a current problem.

Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a perfect doctor? There is one, God. Not only does he make no mistakes, but he specializes in everything! He knows every area of the body like the back of his hand. He designed it after all. He is a cardiologist, a gastroenterologist, an oncologist, a neurologist, a podiatrist, an orthopedic specialist & so on. He specializes in pediatrics, geriatrics, anything in between & even unborn fetuses. He knows everything there is to know about the human body & he can see it clearly. 

He can see what’s inside of you better than any earthly technology, all of which has limitations—CT, MRI, x-ray, ultrasound, etc. He sees everything clearly, he knows every cell of your being. He is your creator. Maybe it is just because I work with the heart daily, but I like to think that is his favorite organ too. Not only does he see your physical imperfections, but he, unlike me, CAN actually see what burdens your heart. He knows why you are hurting & what causes you pain. He may not heal your physical issues & we may never know why. He will leave the cardiologists employed, let them do their job fixing your bloody, pumping flesh. But, if you turn to him he can heal a broken heart. 

No psychiatrist or psychologist in the world, no amount of meds or therapy, can ever dissolve all of your problems. Even when we trust someone, we leave some things undisclosed. But, God knows our hearts, he knows what’s inside. He can seep unconditional love & forgiveness & mercy into every unknown crevice. He fills your heart with these beautiful gifts until they overflow, spilling into the rest of your body. So, trust God as you would your doctor. Cardiologists spend many years in school learning the intricacies of the heart, but God created it. He has specialized in it for more years than you have hairs on your head. Lean on him. He says, 

“Come to me, all you who are weary & burdened, & I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 

Turn to him, let him take an inventory of your heart, trust that he designed you with a plan in mind & trust him to be your doctor. Let him aid you when you’re sick, carry you when you’re weak, & love you when you feel alone. ❤

You only get one heart, guard it well!

I have previously written about the monologue given by Professor Perlman (Michael Stuhlbarg) at the end of Call Me by Your Name. I quoted the part where he says,

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 & have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

Today, however, I want to focus on a different portion of the monologue. Near the end he says,

“Remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. Pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt.”

I love this entire monologue so much, but the phrase out of this portion that stood out to me most was the fact that our hearts are given to us only once. As is everything he says here, this is entirely true. So knowing that, why do we willingly give pieces of ourselves away? So many of us think we have to break our hearts like Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) breaks the tiara in the movie Mean Girls. Her whole goal is to spread the pieces & make everyone feel like a queen. This is a very generous concept & while we should certainly put out love & kindness into the world to make everyone feel like they are important, I do not believe it works the same in love & relationships. 

If we loan out our soul to just anyone who shows interest, our hearts will quickly diminish in size. What we have left to give will be withered away before the right person comes along. It is impossible to prevent a heart from being broken, it will happen to most, as unfortunate as that may be… If we aren’t cautious who we let in, it has the potential to occur repetitively. I’m by no means saying to close yourself off to every prospect who enters your life & put a target on their head. Rather, take your time. 

We live in a society based on instant gratification & consumerism. We want what we want & we want it ASAP. Not to get too religious, but the Bible states that “love is patient.” If we want to be able to provide our partner with the whole heart full of love they deserve, we cannot rush to give it away. When we rush into things, they often don’t last as long, & we leave things behind, which are stolen by the other party as we rush right back out. Taking our time, getting to know people before offering up all we have saves us a lot of heartache. 

I’ve often heard the popular quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first.” Protect yourself, don’t shatter your heart & pass out the shards to every punk who comes along. Save the whole thing for the one who offers you the same. We are only given one heart, take care of it! 

That being said, if you have been hurt, broken, even shattered, do not fight to wash away the pain. Feeling isn’t a bad thing in & of itself. It shows your heart is still functioning, despite anything it may have endured. When we erase our memories, we will surely lose beautiful moments as well. Use the good times to restore the parts of your heart that need some TLC. &, use the bad experiences to remind you how great the moments of joy were. Don’t look back with disdain. Simply move forward slowly, not rushing, but relishing the process of growing closer to someone. Filling your cup with great moments so that you have more to offer in the end. ❤

Hardened Hearts & LOVE

A few days ago my friend posted a quote that touched a nerve & inspired me to write. I’m posting the quote below, along with what I wrote later that evening. I wasn’t sure I was ready to post it on my blog, but I have since changed my mind. 🙂 Feel free to share your thoughts. ❤

“Strength is not staring into the face of love with a hardened heart, it is staring into the face of hardened hearts with love.”

Not all hearts are hard

They’re just afraid of love

But those hearts that are hard

Can be restored with love

 

Love is a powerful thing

It can heal or it can wound

It depends how it’s presented

If it hurts or if it soothes

 

Hearts are malleable objects

They’re molded by circumstance

They take the shape of the space between

Each loving blow & painful lance

 

Warm moments leave bubbles

Where the heart swells wide with joy

Cold hours leave deep craters

That sink in from tissue destroyed

 

Where a soft heart has been injured

It is not filled with any air

This makes it difficult to breathe

It’s rigid it is impaired

 

When love is applied to a hardened heart

It heats & smooths the shell

It allows the air to rise within

& restore the outward bell

 

A heart, which has loved

& then been torn apart

Will look upon this subject

& feel afraid to start

 

Yet, when we look with love

At those hearts turned into stone

We can melt & shape them over

’Til they know they’re not alone

 

So look upon each heart

Shining love on every side

& do not fear to enter love

With your own heart open wide

Being YOUR best SELF

“Be your best self” is a phrase I heard as a child through the Junior Miss organization. It took me a while to grasp the meaning of this phrase. Over time I have come to utilize this or variations of the phrase myself. I believe that the ultimate point here is exactly what it says, to be the best version of yourself that you can, no matter who that may be.

Who you are isn’t what you look like, how you dress, where you work, the kind of car you drive, your sexual preference, your religion, your race, your age, your gender, your weight, or any other such factor. Who you are is the person you choose to be. You are your heart. Is that heart frozen & two sizes too small? Or is that heart so warm & full of love it is bounding inside your chest, just dying to get out? 

Others do not get to decide who you are, that is a decision only you can make. Judgement plays no role in your makeup. When we let the fear of others control us we lose sight, at least temporarily, of our true selves. Seek not the approval of others, simply be the best human you can be & go to sleep satisfied, knowing you put forth your best effort to be the kindest, most genuine person you could. So in order to keep this message concise & sweet. I will end by saying go out into the world, my lovelies, & “be YOUR best SELF!” ❤

Fears vs Dreams

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Both my fears & my dreams keep me alive

I’m curious ‘bout the outcome so I fight to survive

 

My nerves are crippling

As I fear I will fail

So I choose to feel nothing

Stuff my goals behind a veil

 

But choosing not to feel

Means failing to live

So I relinquish my pride

& I beg life to give

 

The will to sacrifice is a growing desire

As grasping for my dreams kindles my fire

 

Ultimatums were made & now I must decide

If I will choose the path that puts him at my side

 

Another candle placed on the cake

A year comprised of many mistakes

 

Perhaps 28 holds improvement in store

Before I’ve seen the sun from every angle once more

Project Cupid’s

Last month I decided I wanted to donate my birthday to my favorite charity. I paired with a charity I’ve been working with since 2013. My goal was to raise $280 for charity for my 28th birthday. Later that same day I was honored to have met that goal thanks to one generous donor. I am still in shock about this a month later & inconceivably gracious! That being said, I’m not stopping there, I am RAISING my fundraising goal & hope to keep going until I meet/pass this new goal! For those still reading, the charity is called Cupid’s & it helps raise money for research for treatment/a cure for Neurofibromatosis (NF), a genetic disorder in which tumors form on nervous tissue. If you are feeling generous, or are curious about why I care so much about this cause, check out my fundraising page here:

https://project.cupids.org/KimilyTrehern

#BtheDifference ❤

A Family of Strangers

A family of strangers

is a gathering of friends

Who met once upon a time

& remained bonded ’til the end

 

From each far reaching corner

of this spherical Earth

Accumulating like magnets

to bask in each others worth

 

Swimming across oceans

Climbing mountain peaks

Crossing legal borders

To love endlessly

 

Bonding over campfires

Listening to tunes

Even playing with light-up balloons

 

Sharing our souls

Good vibes spread throughout

Selflessness offered up

Joyous praises we shout

 

Developing crushes

We seek only to hide

Because fear of rejection

Is detrimental to our pride

 

We’re incapable of accepting

the love that we deserve

Because too many times

we’ve been kicked to the curb 

 

We show affection

to those who aren’t us

Yet we wonder how

their love we can trust

 

If we can’t love ourselves

How can others return

They can’t reciprocate

What we continue to burn

 

Feelings cause pain

when you don’t believe

That love is there

for you to receive 

 

You circle back to homies

Your sisters & brothers

To forget about emotions

& not let them smother

 

Positivity is a Virus

Positivity is a virus
You can easily transmit
It’s highly contagious
Don’t fear spreading it

You infect one life
& so they affect others
Thus a ripple begins
Which this world, it smothers

Waves traveling forward
Across oceans, across land
From one soul to the next
’Til together we all stand

Sick with this virus
Mutated into those
Who love one another
Whose hearts have been transposed

Each frozen thought thawed
Every mind opened wide
So that we can all see
The beauty held inside

There will be no more heartache
No tears shed from wet eyes
No pain, only joy
Sunshine & butterflies

Smiles on every face
Arms open wide
Diversity embraced
Conflicts set aside

Who knows how far
Your ripple will go?
The world is a sphere
So in circles it flows

Disease is the answer
Like zombies we unite
Don’t cower in the darkness
Be positive, spread your light

Hearts, like oreos, don’t break even

I once heard that hearts don’t break even
Today I realized the truth of this phrase
The reality is that splits are like twisting oreos apart
The icing inside is never sliced smooth down the center
It’s rough & jagged & disproportionate on either side
Sometimes one side steals all the delicate delicious filling from the inside & the other is left completely barren

To quote a monologue from the movie Call Me by Your Name
“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 & have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

I am the oreo who was stripped bare, & by 27 I was bankrupt with nothing left to offer the next person who enters my life. I am trying to open up, let people in. But shutting down is so much easier when all I’ve ever known is disappointment & disappearance taking with it every piece of my soul I had invested in that person. Guess I’m just venting today, no rhyme or reason lol. But this is the real me. & it shares a little about my writing too. That’s the reason I keep 95% of my writing to myself is because I pour my heart & soul into it, & I fear someone stealing that work, which contains my soul, or judging it as so often happens to me as a person.