As a freshman in college back in 2008 I wrote the following journal entry about committing suicide by overdose & alcoholism:
Too bad life’s not a fairytale, it’s a nightmare! Just when you start having fun at the slumber party, the killing starts. There’s blood everywhere. You know it’s yours, but what you can’t figure out is who caused it? You could blame the world, after all, it caused the pain. But, you know in your heart that it was you. You spill your own blood to pour out the pain, but it never goes away. More emotions emerge now than ever before! Of course your body can’t get rid of them the way it does the blood. They just keep building & building while your blood is thinning & thinning. Everything is a blur, where’s your prescription to make it all clear? Oh, there it is! You found it… but still… just a blur… oh well, better use that water to rinse away the impurities. & then… nothing… You have been cleansed! No pain, no emotions, no brain going in every different direction, even the blood is gone.
PEACE!!! You run to find a mirror, but the reflection you see is not you. Who is that? Where are you? Well, that depends… some will wake up to torture worse than anything they have ever experienced! Others will never remember what they’ve experienced, never be tortured again, & go on living happily for eternity. I hope to be among the group of “others.”
I was in a decade of my life where I wanted to die while I would still look beautiful in my casket. I self mutilated, I cried my life away. I prayed in earnest about 18 hours of the day. But, nobody knew that I cried myself to sleep every night. I dreamed of ways to take my own life, but prayed that I didn’t have to.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future”
I believed this verse & held on to it with what little strength I had left. I was always taught that God created all things with a purpose; that he made no mistakes. If that holds true, & I am not a mistake, then I must have a purpose for this life I live. I had to constantly remind myself that God is all powerful. He controls everything, including my time on this planet. I knew that he could take my life at any time, in any way he so desired. So I reasoned the fact that I was still alive meant that I had not completed my purpose yet. If my purpose had been fulfilled, he would have no more use for me & I would already be gone. The fact that I was still alive meant I had some unfinished business here on this planet in my earthly, human, temporary body. I believe the choice is ours. We can choose to end our own life, but that is not what God wants. He wants us to live out the life he had planned for us, just like he wants us to chose to love him & follow his ways.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
God will always be there, even when his presence can’t be felt. He will never forsake you. You just have to trust him, & most importantly, trust his timing, which is perfect! You do not have to know your purpose to fulfill it. God knows why he created you & he is working through your life in marvelous ways. As I’ve heard said before, “this world needs your presence, not your perfection.” The accuracy of that statement is astounding! We all have our flaws, but they are a part of God’s plan. He created every imperfection, every scar, every breath that vibrates the cells of your glorious being. Your existence is solely his decision, so don’t try to play God. Allow his plan to unfold. & when you die—on his terms—you can inquire with him directly regarding your role in life & how well you completed it. But for the time being, seek the patience to trust him. Choose to live! Every second of every minute of every day if you have to. Make the decision as often as you must, knowing that it may not stick the first time or the first 100 times. But, speak life into existence, make a real effort. Because, YOU deserve to be alive!