love

6/16/19 The Love We Deserve

As I listened to a sermon today on the importance of Christ-like relationships I became excited, while also frustrated. The sermon was about the importance of wives submitting to their husbands, whom are in turn intended to love their wives as Christ loved the church. As usual, religion aside this sermon held a lot of great advice for couples.

The lesson was that women are called to submit in a such a way that they are not presenting barriers to their husbands to lead the household in a Godly manner. They should love their husbands in a way that makes the husband want to be better for them. Husbands in return are meant to love their wives as Christ loved the church. With “sacrificial, purifying, caring, & unbreakable love.” I won’t dive into the breakdown of those, just know that men have a very important, yet extremely difficult task of honoring their wives & leading them in the right direction. Husbands were not intended to take advantage of the wife’s submission, rather use it as inspiration to treat her with this incredible love. 

As the message went on single women were called to be patient. Not to submit to just any man who walked into their lives, but rather to wait for the one who would earn their submission & would treat them with the respect they deserve in return. This sounded so empowering! Women have the right to choose. If we all actually did this, held out for this kind of loving connection, how different our relationships would be. 

With this power in mind I began to question, why is it this sounds so enticing, but I have such a difficult time being patient? The answer is simple, & a quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Until we learn to love ourselves enough to truly believe we deserve to be treated right, we will not be willing to wait patiently. It will be a constant battle to avoid or cut-off those who misuse & abuse us. Therefore, self-love is once again the focus of a stable relationship foundation. Until you can learn to love yourself, you cannot expect someone to love you in a way that you can not. Until you can love yourself, you can not submit yourself to that person properly. As we fill our own cup with self-love, we have more to offer others. 

Women are called to submit, which requires a high level of trust. That trust cannot be offered up to just anyone. Save it for someone who will do right by you, someone who appreciates all that you offer & wants to honor your submission. Men, be trustworthy. Earn your woman’s submission by treating her with respect & leading your household in an honorable manner. ❤

Why Me?

If you’re anything like me you may have spent your whole life searching for love in all the wrong places. Going after one failed relationship after another. The older you get the more desperate you become, it seems, to find love & settle down. Everyone else is doing it right? But how many of those people are actually in happy, successful relationships? As I look around I see more divorces, more broken homes, more miserable humans than loving, in tact couples. 

Having come from a family with no divorces in its history & two wonderful parents who are making their 40th anniversary this year, I have a very strong opinion of what a marriage is supposed to look like. Perhaps that is another reason why I have been so unlucky in love. I have every intention of going to the grave married to the same man who is my one & only husband I will ever have. In which case, I am not willing to settle, & neither should you! Don’t waste your time & money hopping into an unstable relationship just for the title of it or because you feel it’s what you should do or because you are so determined to find love. 

As I so often write about, & so often have to remind myself, life is a game of waiting. It is not fun, but you are not in control & it’s better that way. It’s less of a headache when you aren’t trying to control every move of your life & more exciting too.

But, if you are wondering why it is taking you so much longer to find love than so many around you, you may begin to question what is wrong with yourself? I am here to tell you today that perhaps the problem does not lie with you. Perhaps the problem is in finding a person who is good enough for you. People can tell you this as much as they want just as I am doing, but until you grasp this concept for yourself, as I did today, you will never be satisfied.

If you are not willing to settle for mediocrity, if you are determined to find you perfect mate (keep in mind everyone has flaws), then you may have a longer journey to travel than others. For me, however, as much as I would like to claim the title of dumper, I have been the dumpee more times than not. I have been treated poorly, ghosted several times, & been utterly refused in just about every way humanly possible. I have asked what was wrong with myself more times than I can count stars in the sky. But, today it finally seemed to click. You hear all of these peppy quotes about how love will find you when the time is right & phrases reassuring you you are worthy. But, just like everything else, until you believe that for yourself, those are just words. I’m sure what I am saying may just be words to you today too. It is only because things have finally clicked with me that I am able to say this with true conviction. 

Just continue to work on yourself. Because as you grow & improve it becomes increasingly difficult for someone to be worthy of you. That helps narrow out the riffraff. Just be patient, because that means it is going to be that much harder to find your perfect mate. & your perfect person may not be ready for you yet. They may need to mature more before they are ready to take on a relationship. That is a two way street. Your future spouse may be just as anxiously waiting on you, but you are not in a position to fulfill their dreams yet. So as you grow, know that they are growing too. You are both maturing into the people you need to be for each other in time. That time just may not be now. Do not end the journey towards self improvement due to being discouraged by rejection. Rather continue to develop so that you are ready when your person is ready for you. Then you can thrive & flourish together. ❤

You only get one heart, guard it well!

I have previously written about the monologue given by Professor Perlman (Michael Stuhlbarg) at the end of Call Me by Your Name. I quoted the part where he says,

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 & have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

Today, however, I want to focus on a different portion of the monologue. Near the end he says,

“Remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. And before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. Pain. Don’t kill it and with it the joy you’ve felt.”

I love this entire monologue so much, but the phrase out of this portion that stood out to me most was the fact that our hearts are given to us only once. As is everything he says here, this is entirely true. So knowing that, why do we willingly give pieces of ourselves away? So many of us think we have to break our hearts like Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) breaks the tiara in the movie Mean Girls. Her whole goal is to spread the pieces & make everyone feel like a queen. This is a very generous concept & while we should certainly put out love & kindness into the world to make everyone feel like they are important, I do not believe it works the same in love & relationships. 

If we loan out our soul to just anyone who shows interest, our hearts will quickly diminish in size. What we have left to give will be withered away before the right person comes along. It is impossible to prevent a heart from being broken, it will happen to most, as unfortunate as that may be… If we aren’t cautious who we let in, it has the potential to occur repetitively. I’m by no means saying to close yourself off to every prospect who enters your life & put a target on their head. Rather, take your time. 

We live in a society based on instant gratification & consumerism. We want what we want & we want it ASAP. Not to get too religious, but the Bible states that “love is patient.” If we want to be able to provide our partner with the whole heart full of love they deserve, we cannot rush to give it away. When we rush into things, they often don’t last as long, & we leave things behind, which are stolen by the other party as we rush right back out. Taking our time, getting to know people before offering up all we have saves us a lot of heartache. 

I’ve often heard the popular quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first.” Protect yourself, don’t shatter your heart & pass out the shards to every punk who comes along. Save the whole thing for the one who offers you the same. We are only given one heart, take care of it! 

That being said, if you have been hurt, broken, even shattered, do not fight to wash away the pain. Feeling isn’t a bad thing in & of itself. It shows your heart is still functioning, despite anything it may have endured. When we erase our memories, we will surely lose beautiful moments as well. Use the good times to restore the parts of your heart that need some TLC. &, use the bad experiences to remind you how great the moments of joy were. Don’t look back with disdain. Simply move forward slowly, not rushing, but relishing the process of growing closer to someone. Filling your cup with great moments so that you have more to offer in the end. ❤

Hardened Hearts & LOVE

A few days ago my friend posted a quote that touched a nerve & inspired me to write. I’m posting the quote below, along with what I wrote later that evening. I wasn’t sure I was ready to post it on my blog, but I have since changed my mind. 🙂 Feel free to share your thoughts. ❤

“Strength is not staring into the face of love with a hardened heart, it is staring into the face of hardened hearts with love.”

Not all hearts are hard

They’re just afraid of love

But those hearts that are hard

Can be restored with love

 

Love is a powerful thing

It can heal or it can wound

It depends how it’s presented

If it hurts or if it soothes

 

Hearts are malleable objects

They’re molded by circumstance

They take the shape of the space between

Each loving blow & painful lance

 

Warm moments leave bubbles

Where the heart swells wide with joy

Cold hours leave deep craters

That sink in from tissue destroyed

 

Where a soft heart has been injured

It is not filled with any air

This makes it difficult to breathe

It’s rigid it is impaired

 

When love is applied to a hardened heart

It heats & smooths the shell

It allows the air to rise within

& restore the outward bell

 

A heart, which has loved

& then been torn apart

Will look upon this subject

& feel afraid to start

 

Yet, when we look with love

At those hearts turned into stone

We can melt & shape them over

’Til they know they’re not alone

 

So look upon each heart

Shining love on every side

& do not fear to enter love

With your own heart open wide

“Living for Each Other is the Rule of Nature”

20180420_152909Today I struggled with picking a topic to write on as I was scrolling through memes & quotes I have saved over time. Many caught my eye & tugged at my heartstrings, longing to be elaborated on. But for some reason I decided to go with this quote:

“Nothing in nature lives for itself. 

Rivers don’t drink their own water.

Trees don’t eat their own fruit.

The sun doesn’t shine for itself.

A flower’s fragrance is not for itself.

Living for each other is the rule of nature.”

It is often the ambition of people to satisfy their own wants & needs. This is, as many things, inherent human nature. But, what gratification truly comes from this? Sure, it is easy to be selfish, & we know ourselves better than anyone else, so we know how to get what we want. But, how long does this feeling last? Sometimes we focus so much on getting what we want we waste precious time that could be better spent focused on others. How simple is it to listen to someone, to ask how their day is going, or to simply spread a smile. I have talked many times about how contagious a smile can be. I truly believe this to be a fact. Bringing joy to someone else will only bounce off them & reflect back to you making you happy too. We believe we know what is best for us so we venture out to find it, not realizing how much energy is wasted trying to achieve ultimate perfection, by way of accomplishing goals, purchasing material goods, or seeking life’s highs. Again, as I have discussed before, we will never attain our idea of perfection. Once we achieve or posses one thing we wanted, we will immediately seek more. It is a never ending, vicious cycle. Live selflessly & you will find more peace than when you work only to gratify yourself. 

As Mufasa once said, “we are all connected in the great circle of life.” Everyone has something to contribute. There are farmers who provide the food, seamstresses & tailors who clothe us, performers who entertain us, government officials who work to organize chaos, military members who strive to protect us & our freedoms, construction workers who provide us shelter, & the list goes on. Each person has a role & when we accept that & become grateful for our differences, we learn to respect one another. You too have a gift, & someone somewhere is in need of what you provide. So do not hoard what you have to offer, share it with the world. The planet, the humans, animals, environment. You couldn’t survive without the sacrifice of someone else, so give back in any way you can & you will be granted a place in which you thrive. It is easier to be satisfied when we are putting out what we already have rather than trying to force ourselves to gain power, which is not rightly ours. Be who you are & let that be enough. Your presence is needed, is desired, & will not go unnoticed. Do not fear missing out or feeling under appreciated. Know that you are all this world needs to go round. 

I will sum all this up with a repost of a poem I wrote about how contagious positivity is. “Positivity is a virus… Be positive, spread your light.” It is as simple as that. Your smile may be for someone else in the moment, but they will pass it on & it will continue to go around until it eventually returns to you. Live for others & so they shall live for you. We all need each other. ❤

“Positivity is a virus

You can easily transmit

It’s highly contagious

Don’t fear spreading it

You infect one life

& so they affect others

Thus a ripple begins

Which this world, it smothers

Waves traveling forward

Across oceans, across land

From one soul to the next

’Til together we all stand

Sick with this virus

Mutated into those

Who love one another

Whose hearts have been transposed

Each frozen thought thawed

Every mind opened wide

So that we can all see

The beauty held inside

There will be no more heartache

No tears shed from wet eyes

No pain, only joy

Sunshine & butterflies

Smiles on every face

Arms open wide

Diversity embraced

Conflicts set aside

Who knows how far

Your ripple will go?

The world is a sphere

So in circles it flows

Disease is the answer

Like zombies we unite

Don’t cower in the darkness

Be positive, spread your light” ~Kimily Trehern

Being YOUR best SELF

“Be your best self” is a phrase I heard as a child through the Junior Miss organization. It took me a while to grasp the meaning of this phrase. Over time I have come to utilize this or variations of the phrase myself. I believe that the ultimate point here is exactly what it says, to be the best version of yourself that you can, no matter who that may be.

Who you are isn’t what you look like, how you dress, where you work, the kind of car you drive, your sexual preference, your religion, your race, your age, your gender, your weight, or any other such factor. Who you are is the person you choose to be. You are your heart. Is that heart frozen & two sizes too small? Or is that heart so warm & full of love it is bounding inside your chest, just dying to get out? 

Others do not get to decide who you are, that is a decision only you can make. Judgement plays no role in your makeup. When we let the fear of others control us we lose sight, at least temporarily, of our true selves. Seek not the approval of others, simply be the best human you can be & go to sleep satisfied, knowing you put forth your best effort to be the kindest, most genuine person you could. So in order to keep this message concise & sweet. I will end by saying go out into the world, my lovelies, & “be YOUR best SELF!” ❤

Fears vs Dreams

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Both my fears & my dreams keep me alive

I’m curious ‘bout the outcome so I fight to survive

 

My nerves are crippling

As I fear I will fail

So I choose to feel nothing

Stuff my goals behind a veil

 

But choosing not to feel

Means failing to live

So I relinquish my pride

& I beg life to give

 

The will to sacrifice is a growing desire

As grasping for my dreams kindles my fire

 

Ultimatums were made & now I must decide

If I will choose the path that puts him at my side

 

Another candle placed on the cake

A year comprised of many mistakes

 

Perhaps 28 holds improvement in store

Before I’ve seen the sun from every angle once more

Choose to Live: God’s Plan!

As a freshman in college back in 2008 I wrote the following journal entry about committing suicide by overdose & alcoholism:

Too bad life’s not a fairytale, it’s a nightmare! Just when you start having fun at the slumber party, the killing starts. There’s blood everywhere. You know it’s yours, but what you can’t figure out is who caused it? You could blame the world, after all, it caused the pain. But, you know in your heart that it was you. You spill your own blood to pour out the pain, but it never goes away. More emotions emerge now than ever before! Of course your body can’t get rid of them the way it does the blood. They just keep building & building while your blood is thinning & thinning. Everything is a blur, where’s your prescription to make it all clear? Oh, there it is! You found it… but still… just a blur… oh well, better use that water to rinse away the impurities. & then… nothing… You have been cleansed! No pain, no emotions, no brain going in every different direction, even the blood is gone.
PEACE!!! You run to find a mirror, but the reflection you see is not you. Who is that? Where are you? Well, that depends… some will wake up to torture worse than anything they have ever experienced! Others will never remember what they’ve experienced, never be tortured again, & go on living happily for eternity. I hope to be among the group of “others.”

I was in a decade of my life where I wanted to die while I would still look beautiful in my casket. I self mutilated, I cried my life away. I prayed in earnest about 18 hours of the day. But, nobody knew that I cried myself to sleep every night. I dreamed of ways to take my own life, but prayed that I didn’t have to. 

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future”

I believed this verse & held on to it with what little strength I had left. I was always taught that God created all things with a purpose; that he made no mistakes. If that holds true, & I am not a mistake, then I must have a purpose for this life I live. I had to constantly remind myself that God is all powerful. He controls everything, including my time on this planet. I knew that he could take my life at any time, in any way he so desired. So I reasoned the fact that I was still alive meant that I had not completed my purpose yet. If my purpose had been fulfilled, he would have no more use for me & I would already be gone. The fact that I was still alive meant I had some unfinished business here on this planet in my earthly, human, temporary body. I believe the choice is ours. We can choose to end our own life, but that is not what God wants. He wants us to live out the life he had planned for us, just like he wants us to chose to love him & follow his ways. 

1 Corinthians 10:13 

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

God will always be there, even when his presence can’t be felt. He will never forsake you. You just have to trust him, & most importantly, trust his timing, which is perfect! You do not have to know your purpose to fulfill it. God knows why he created you & he is working through your life in marvelous ways. As I’ve heard said before, “this world needs your presence, not your perfection.” The accuracy of that statement is astounding! We all have our flaws, but they are a part of God’s plan. He created every imperfection, every scar, every breath that vibrates the cells of your glorious being. Your existence is solely his decision, so don’t try to play God. Allow his plan to unfold. & when you die—on his terms—you can inquire with him directly regarding your role in life & how well you completed it. But for the time being, seek the patience to trust him. Choose to live! Every second of every minute of every day if you have to. Make the decision as often as you must, knowing that it may not stick the first time or the first 100 times. But, speak life into existence, make a real effort. Because, YOU deserve to be alive!

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Project Cupid’s

Last month I decided I wanted to donate my birthday to my favorite charity. I paired with a charity I’ve been working with since 2013. My goal was to raise $280 for charity for my 28th birthday. Later that same day I was honored to have met that goal thanks to one generous donor. I am still in shock about this a month later & inconceivably gracious! That being said, I’m not stopping there, I am RAISING my fundraising goal & hope to keep going until I meet/pass this new goal! For those still reading, the charity is called Cupid’s & it helps raise money for research for treatment/a cure for Neurofibromatosis (NF), a genetic disorder in which tumors form on nervous tissue. If you are feeling generous, or are curious about why I care so much about this cause, check out my fundraising page here:

https://project.cupids.org/KimilyTrehern

#BtheDifference ❤

Happy Monday

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It is often a challenge to encourage others. Even the most positive people have bad days. We are all human, no one is immune to this phenomenon. When you’re feeling down it can be hard to think about putting others first. But remember how important it is. Making someone else smile may just be what you need. When you see others in a good mood it can put you in a good mood. & your good mood may just be what the other person needs to be happy. It’s a never ending circle. What you put out is what you will receive. So put out joy & it shall return to you. Have a great day, make it count! Get out & grind this week! Make things happen! As always, you control your happiness. 💙