WHAT HOLDS ME BACK?

LIVING IN FEAR

I put up a brave façade, but on the inside I’m a coward. I am confident in many things, but not those that matter most. My confidence centers primarily on superficial matters.

I am, & have always been, comfortable with my appearance. I joke that I am “100% genuine, all original parts,” & for the most part that is true. I can admit I am a high maintenance girl. I love to put on makeup & dress up to go out. Yet, I am comfortable enough with my natural self that I walk around daily with my hair in a bun, no makeup on, rocking a t-shirt. Point being, I have no issue with my appearance & I have never contemplated plastic surgery or otherwise redesigning my body. I do love to decorate it though with tattoos & piercings, however, I do not consider this a true body transformation.

I am also brave when it comes to activities I do for fun. I am borderline daredevil material. I have tried everything from skydiving to scuba diving, riding every rollercoaster I encounter, traveling abroad alone, riding horses, & so on. I crave adrenaline rushes! I am all about trying new & exciting things.

This is all fine & great, but there is still something holding me back. Based on the previous information, most wouldn’t peg me as a scaredy cat, but that is exactly what I am; a person who lives in fear.

I am afraid I will fail in my future endeavors. I have toyed with copious ideas over the years regarding what career path I should choose for my life & I never seem to find peace. Everything I consider feels like a cop out for not writing. I have dreamed of making a living off my writing for years. Working on my own schedule from my computer in whatever remote location I so desire. Yet, I have always been terrified of putting myself out there. With many jobs the focus is not centered on you, it is about the work you do. Doctors get praise for saving lives, construction workers for building things, architects for designing, secretaries for assisting, etc. Most careers exist to make people’s lives easier in some way shape or form. They provide some service or produce a tangible object of some sort. Writing isn’t like that.

Writing differs from a typical job because it is an art form. Any artist, regardless if they are in the performing arts, studio artistry, or creative writing, understands what it means to put themselves out there & be exposed to high volumes of criticism. Whether you have 5 followers, 5 thousand, or 5 million, your fans & haters are watching what you do. Sure there are people who will love what you do & be supportive, but “haters gone hate.” No matter how many fans you gain, there will always be people that try to tear you down. The fact of the matter is it’s easier to pull someone off a table than it is to pull someone up on it. Especially if the foundation of that table is unsteady. I am the person standing on the table & my ego is the shaky foundation. It is already extremely fragile & unstable. The simplest remark can topple me off that table. People say, “You shouldn’t care; other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter to you,” & while that may be true, to be honest those words aren’t very realistic to me. No matter how hard I try to release my insecurities, I can’t. I’m scared to put my writing out there because I feel like people’s opinion of my writing is a direct judgement on me as a person. Particularly since the vast majority of my writing is extremely personal. I know this fear is irrational to many people, but it is crippling to me. Everyone is tortured by the fear of something & this is what affects me most. This & clowns, which are the demons that crawled out of the drain holes to hell.

So what are your thoughts? Share with me your fears & how you deal with them. I am open to advice, so shoot me a comment or email (visit my contact page) with your suggestions on how to let go of this terror that is strangling me, preventing me from pursuing my dreams. Share your recommendations on this subject & let’s help eachother out!

PS I hope to gain the courage to start posting some of my better, albeit more personal writing to my site soon so stay vigilant! 🙂

For my Niece/Nephew

As I stare into your eyes
Before they have decided what color to be
You’re tiny & innocent
While you’re gazing up at me

I cannot wait
To watch you grow
So as time passes
I’ll beg it to slow

Before words you speak
I’ll kiss you on the cheek
Your tiny hand holding mine
The feeling is so divine

I love you now
I’ll hold you forever
You’ll wonder how
I’ll let go of you never

You can’t hold up your head
All you do is lay in bed
Counting sheep is not a thing
But you sure love toys that sing

Your room is full of giraffes
Unawares, you do arts & crafts
Fingers & toes covered in paint
To make gifts for us to claim

You’ll never grow old
You’ll always be younger than me
So you will always be told
How much you mean to me

Your skin like crushed velvet
Your hair fine peach fuzz
& when you need something
You make a big fuss

Swaddled in cashmere
With a cap to keep you warm
When you cry like a kitten
All the adults start to swarm

Live life to it’s fullest
Don’t die old & boring
Be the best you can be
Like an Eagle keep soaring

One boy & one girl
One silver, one gold
Take care of each other
Don’t try to fit the mould

Be kind, openhearted
Don’t judge like the rest
Befriend everyone
& put love to the test

Be patient, be caring
Be strong, & be good
Be obedient & sharing
Like you wish others would

Kisses & cuddles
& hugs everyday
No matter from where
Love always, ~AK

Playing with Perspective :)

So yesterday I decided to try something different that I haven’t done in years. I wrote from a friend’s Point of View. I took what I know about his situation & put his thoughts into my own words. He shall remain anonymous, but here is the result:

 

4.5 years down the drain

Was it wasted or was it just insane?

People can pry, but they’ll never know why

It was my own decision to fly

 

We met at night

Lived in the dark, not the light

But we grew apart

& now I get a fresh start

 

I may not know how

But I’ll find my own way

& I’m not gonna listen

To what others have to say

 

It’s not their job

To decide my fate

I’m a grown man

& that’s something I hate

 

I make my own tracks

& I spin ’em in the club

I drop hints for the girl

That I low key love

 

Smoke ’til no one

Can see my green eyes

So when she saw them

She was so surprised

 

Stay up every night

To watch the sun rise

& socialize with strangers

I don’t even recognize

Quote

The Spark Inside

One day, whether you

are 14,

28

or 65

you will stumble upon

someone who will start

a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,

most awful truth you will

ever come to find—

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives.

-Beau Taplin

This quote could not be more accurate to my life right now! This week has been both the best week of my life & the worst week of my life wrapped into one, all due to one person. Here are just a few of my own personal sentiments for how I feel about it…

You’re in my  heart, you’re on my mind,

maybe that could be a sign.

Not that thing, you took to be,

when you left me.

That was a false alarm,

brought on by too much fire.

We pushed too hard, we rushed too soon,

should’ve let things happen naturally.

We made mistakes, but I wish you could see,

that doesn’t mean we weren’t meant to be.

Those gut feelings, that first glance,

I wish you would give us a real chance.

Those feelings are true, what I meant to you

baby don’t push them away.

You say you don’t deserve happiness,

but no one is meant to be alone.

I hope this phase comes to pass,

I wish you’d pick up the phone.

You swore you’d fight for me, 

now baby let me fight for you!

~Kimily Trehern