The Spark Inside

One day, whether you

are 14,


or 65

you will stumble upon

someone who will start

a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,

most awful truth you will

ever come to find—

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives.

-Beau Taplin

This quote could not be more accurate to my life right now! This week has been both the best week of my life & the worst week of my life wrapped into one, all due to one person. Here are just a few of my own personal sentiments for how I feel about it…

You’re in my  heart, you’re on my mind,

maybe that could be a sign.

Not that thing, you took to be,

when you left me.

That was a false alarm,

brought on by too much fire.

We pushed too hard, we rushed too soon,

should’ve let things happen naturally.

We made mistakes, but I wish you could see,

that doesn’t mean we weren’t meant to be.

Those gut feelings, that first glance,

I wish you would give us a real chance.

Those feelings are true, what I meant to you

baby don’t push them away.

You say you don’t deserve happiness,

but no one is meant to be alone.

I hope this phase comes to pass,

I wish you’d pick up the phone.

You swore you’d fight for me, 

now baby let me fight for you!

~Kimily Trehern


Daily writing #2

So I would like to start by saying that I have uploaded all of the official photos from the MAC state pageant to http://www.facebook.com/MsLAcoed14 be sure to go check them out & don’t forget to like the page while you’re there for continued updates!

Second, don’t forget to check out my good friend Rachael’s blog http://www.rachaelleestroud.wordpress.com and remember that her new e-book is available at http://www.rachaelleestroud.wordpress.com/2014/08/11/coffee-and-keyboards-my-new-e-book-is-available-now/

Now, for todays daily writing I chose to do another of one of Rachael’s ideas. I am going to talk about how some song lyrics relate to my life right now. I actually just googled a song to go with a situation I’m in & I think the first one that popped up fits PERFECTLY! I cut out some of the repetition of the chorus, but here are the lyrics to the Hoobastank song, “Running Away.”


“I don’t want you, to give it all up

And leave your own life, collecting dust

And I don’t want you, to feel sorry for me

You never gave us, a chance to be


And I don’t need you, to be by my side

To tell me, that everything’s alright

I just wanted you, to tell me the truth

You know I’d do that for you


So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?


Cause I did enough, to show you that I

Was willing to give, and sacrifice

And I was the one, who was lifting you up

When you thought your life had had enough


And when I get close, you turn away

There’s nothing that I can do or say

So now I need you, to tell me the truth

You know I’d do that for you


Is it me, is it you?

Nothing that, I can do

To make you, change your mind – no


So why are you running away?

Why are you running away? (what is it, I have to say)


So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you’re afraid)

Why are you running away?”


You don’t have to continue reading if this post has gotten too long for you, I am just going to use this as an opportunity to vent basically. Perhaps the lyrics spoke to you & you just need to know that you are not the only one in your position. 

Basically, this is something I have been dealing with, the guy I am interested in has decided to run away from all that our relationship offered him. & just like the song says, don’t feel sorry for me, I believe that, he’s the one I feel sorry for never giving us a real chance, he has no idea what all he’s missing. 

& I don’t need him to sit & lie to me saying things are going to be okay when I know that is not true, his silence is hurting me more than his honesty. He hasn’t officially told me he wants to end things & if he does he needs to be up front with me & say that rather than continuing to string me along like he is. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, whether you think the other person wants to hear what you have to say or not. 

I understand that my guy has not had many people really be there for him in his life, for example he hasn’t seen his mom since he was about 3 months old. To him people aren’t reliable & I get that, but I really thought I had done enough to prove that I was different, I wanted to be a permanent fixture. At the same time I told him I would never try to hold him back & I have absolutely no interest in suffocating him, yet he is still running away. We are already long distance & he is moving even farther away rather than closer to me. He told me if we were in the same place he would fall in love with me. So does that scare him? Is that why he’s moving away rather than stay or come closer? I wish he could learn to trust. Me. & himself.

I know I can’t change his mind though, he’s hardheaded & stubborn just like I used to be. So I’m not going to try, I know he needs to figure things out on his own, just like I had to do for myself. 

There’s a lot more to the story I am not going to share to the general public, but I do know he is scared & he is running, just like in this song & I just want to know, “What is it, I have to say… to make you admit, you’re afraid?”



I am so tired of living in a perfect world where no one can do anything wrong, but when they do then it’s okay, they are always right. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe. I just wish you could see the real me. The me you know is a lie. All you know is a fraction of a façade that is a minute fragment of my consciousness. I have some really dark shadows in the closet of my past. If I honestly & truly believed that you loved me unconditionally maybe I could tell you about a girl I know named Kimily. But your love is based merely on my perfection, & the way I appear or make you appear in society. I would never introduce you to Kimily because I know you don’t want to meet her. I just wish so much that I could tell you about her. You think you know me but you have no idea. You try to tell me who I am but that’s only the idea of me you have in your head that you expect me to be, so I make you believe. Like a child who believes in Santa. I am the adult & I put on the show, just so that you’ll never know. I’m so tired of hiding, tired of all the lies. I just want to show you what is real, I wish you’d just realize. Dance is my form of expression, snowboarding is my freedom. But now I’ve lost both. You have taken all there is of me. I’m just a dry dead corpse. I’m a marionette in your puppet show. You pull the strings & I play along. I am not living anymore. I am just a sack of dry bones stuffed in some skin, what the hell have you done to me, my kin? You told me you only wanted the best for me so why did you strip me so bare? Like our mascots I am an Eagle I should be free to soar, I am a rebel who can’t rebel anymore, I am a panther but you’ll never hear me roar. This is what you made me this is who you wanted me to become. Well you got your wish, I can’t even remember where I’m from. I wish someone would try to revive me. The kiss of life is all I need. Somebody shock my heart, make me able to bleed. Because right now I feel nothing, nothing runs through my veins. I’m just still & barren like the desert plains. I want to gain control, be the pilot of my life. But that sure can’t happen until i’m back alive. Someone wake me up from this coma I’ve been in. Right now I cure the dryness as I drown myself in gin. Shake me to life with a waft of mountain air, that’s the feeling I long for the most & nothing else can compare.


April 24, 2012 (monthiversary)

304818_2000569375773_7629193_n 310298_2170113134261_53107795_n 326143_10100233290540746_927895975_o 552664_3569832409626_1568074853_n 538423_3733823906053_305087288_n 318174_2940168265119_1109576400_n 559167_2940167785107_2008191557_n 529866_3071873477667_464298832_n

I never knew how happy I could be

until you changed my life & decided to date me

There was a time when I honestly didn’t believe I could ever be with someone for so long

but you proved me wrong so I guess now I’ll write you this song (not really a song it just rhymed)

Most people believe depression is the absence of happiness, but for me with my disorder it was different. Happiness for me was the oh too seldom absence of the deepest, darkest cloud of depression. I did everything to try to escape that cloud and see the sunshine in the past, but now that I’m with you I don’t need to fill that hole & yet my happiness continues to last. You complete me, you fill all of the holes. You believe in me and you support all of my goals. I’ll never let go of all that you gave me, & that’s why I’m not ready to give us up for our different lifestyles you see. People come people go, some your friends others foe. Yet you remain in me forever, and if you leave I’ll forget you never. I needed you all those dark lonely years, to hold me and console me and protect me from my fears. I wish I knew how happy I could have been, because maybe I wouldn’t have made all the mistakes I did back then. I’m a new person now & that’s all because of you. You changed me for the better and that my friend is true. People come people go, some your friends others foe. Yet you remain in me forever, and when you’re gone I’ll forget you never. They say God forgives all and forgets everything, but I cannot yet forgive myself because for to thoughts of my past I do cling. I wish I could wipe my memory clean as my slate and understand that hell is not my fate. But I’m so absorbed with my past, all of the wrong and the bad; and I can’t move past the idea of the good life I could have had. I ruined all I touched like Midas, but not with gold. I burned every bridge I came to, and the fire multiplied ten fold. Oh how I wish I could have been bold rather than have a heart that was cold. Maybe then I would have had someone to hold, but instead I was alone and so I was never told, that to the devil my soul was not yet sold, and without this knowledge oh the tears how they rolled. I did not feel worthy. so dirty so ashamed. It hurt on the inside, so my body I maimed. I did not feel sadness nor love nor hate, all I knew was anger and that was my fate.