April 24, 2012 (monthiversary)

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I never knew how happy I could be

until you changed my life & decided to date me

There was a time when I honestly didn’t believe I could ever be with someone for so long

but you proved me wrong so I guess now I’ll write you this song (not really a song it just rhymed)

Most people believe depression is the absence of happiness, but for me with my disorder it was different. Happiness for me was the oh too seldom absence of the deepest, darkest cloud of depression. I did everything to try to escape that cloud and see the sunshine in the past, but now that I’m with you I don’t need to fill that hole & yet my happiness continues to last. You complete me, you fill all of the holes. You believe in me and you support all of my goals. I’ll never let go of all that you gave me, & that’s why I’m not ready to give us up for our different lifestyles you see. People come people go, some your friends others foe. Yet you remain in me forever, and if you leave I’ll forget you never. I needed you all those dark lonely years, to hold me and console me and protect me from my fears. I wish I knew how happy I could have been, because maybe I wouldn’t have made all the mistakes I did back then. I’m a new person now & that’s all because of you. You changed me for the better and that my friend is true. People come people go, some your friends others foe. Yet you remain in me forever, and when you’re gone I’ll forget you never. They say God forgives all and forgets everything, but I cannot yet forgive myself because for to thoughts of my past I do cling. I wish I could wipe my memory clean as my slate and understand that hell is not my fate. But I’m so absorbed with my past, all of the wrong and the bad; and I can’t move past the idea of the good life I could have had. I ruined all I touched like Midas, but not with gold. I burned every bridge I came to, and the fire multiplied ten fold. Oh how I wish I could have been bold rather than have a heart that was cold. Maybe then I would have had someone to hold, but instead I was alone and so I was never told, that to the devil my soul was not yet sold, and without this knowledge oh the tears how they rolled. I did not feel worthy. so dirty so ashamed. It hurt on the inside, so my body I maimed. I did not feel sadness nor love nor hate, all I knew was anger and that was my fate.