facade

You know when you wink, it throws my breath out of sync

You look so beautiful sleeping there, as I run my fingers through your thick curly hair.

Your deep rhythmic breathing, while you’re lying there dreaming.

Now my favorite blanket smells like you, & nothing has ever smelled sweeter, that is true.

My head upon your chest is the only place I find rest.

Buried in your arms, I’m free from all harm.

The way you kiss & hug me, makes me feel like you love me.

With our legs intertwined, not a thought crosses my mind, except for how much I love you.

I never felt safer than when I was with you, but then you pushed me away & I realized it wasn’t true.

Quote

12-21-11

I am so tired of living in a perfect world where no one can do anything wrong, but when they do then it’s okay, they are always right. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe. I just wish you could see the real me. The me you know is a lie. All you know is a fraction of a façade that is a minute fragment of my consciousness. I have some really dark shadows in the closet of my past. If I honestly & truly believed that you loved me unconditionally maybe I could tell you about a girl I know named Kimily. But your love is based merely on my perfection, & the way I appear or make you appear in society. I would never introduce you to Kimily because I know you don’t want to meet her. I just wish so much that I could tell you about her. You think you know me but you have no idea. You try to tell me who I am but that’s only the idea of me you have in your head that you expect me to be, so I make you believe. Like a child who believes in Santa. I am the adult & I put on the show, just so that you’ll never know. I’m so tired of hiding, tired of all the lies. I just want to show you what is real, I wish you’d just realize. Dance is my form of expression, snowboarding is my freedom. But now I’ve lost both. You have taken all there is of me. I’m just a dry dead corpse. I’m a marionette in your puppet show. You pull the strings & I play along. I am not living anymore. I am just a sack of dry bones stuffed in some skin, what the hell have you done to me, my kin? You told me you only wanted the best for me so why did you strip me so bare? Like our mascots I am an Eagle I should be free to soar, I am a rebel who can’t rebel anymore, I am a panther but you’ll never hear me roar. This is what you made me this is who you wanted me to become. Well you got your wish, I can’t even remember where I’m from. I wish someone would try to revive me. The kiss of life is all I need. Somebody shock my heart, make me able to bleed. Because right now I feel nothing, nothing runs through my veins. I’m just still & barren like the desert plains. I want to gain control, be the pilot of my life. But that sure can’t happen until i’m back alive. Someone wake me up from this coma I’ve been in. Right now I cure the dryness as I drown myself in gin. Shake me to life with a waft of mountain air, that’s the feeling I long for the most & nothing else can compare.