coffee

WHAT HOLDS ME BACK?

LIVING IN FEAR

I put up a brave façade, but on the inside I’m a coward. I am confident in many things, but not those that matter most. My confidence centers primarily on superficial matters.

I am, & have always been, comfortable with my appearance. I joke that I am “100% genuine, all original parts,” & for the most part that is true. I can admit I am a high maintenance girl. I love to put on makeup & dress up to go out. Yet, I am comfortable enough with my natural self that I walk around daily with my hair in a bun, no makeup on, rocking a t-shirt. Point being, I have no issue with my appearance & I have never contemplated plastic surgery or otherwise redesigning my body. I do love to decorate it though with tattoos & piercings, however, I do not consider this a true body transformation.

I am also brave when it comes to activities I do for fun. I am borderline daredevil material. I have tried everything from skydiving to scuba diving, riding every rollercoaster I encounter, traveling abroad alone, riding horses, & so on. I crave adrenaline rushes! I am all about trying new & exciting things.

This is all fine & great, but there is still something holding me back. Based on the previous information, most wouldn’t peg me as a scaredy cat, but that is exactly what I am; a person who lives in fear.

I am afraid I will fail in my future endeavors. I have toyed with copious ideas over the years regarding what career path I should choose for my life & I never seem to find peace. Everything I consider feels like a cop out for not writing. I have dreamed of making a living off my writing for years. Working on my own schedule from my computer in whatever remote location I so desire. Yet, I have always been terrified of putting myself out there. With many jobs the focus is not centered on you, it is about the work you do. Doctors get praise for saving lives, construction workers for building things, architects for designing, secretaries for assisting, etc. Most careers exist to make people’s lives easier in some way shape or form. They provide some service or produce a tangible object of some sort. Writing isn’t like that.

Writing differs from a typical job because it is an art form. Any artist, regardless if they are in the performing arts, studio artistry, or creative writing, understands what it means to put themselves out there & be exposed to high volumes of criticism. Whether you have 5 followers, 5 thousand, or 5 million, your fans & haters are watching what you do. Sure there are people who will love what you do & be supportive, but “haters gone hate.” No matter how many fans you gain, there will always be people that try to tear you down. The fact of the matter is it’s easier to pull someone off a table than it is to pull someone up on it. Especially if the foundation of that table is unsteady. I am the person standing on the table & my ego is the shaky foundation. It is already extremely fragile & unstable. The simplest remark can topple me off that table. People say, “You shouldn’t care; other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter to you,” & while that may be true, to be honest those words aren’t very realistic to me. No matter how hard I try to release my insecurities, I can’t. I’m scared to put my writing out there because I feel like people’s opinion of my writing is a direct judgement on me as a person. Particularly since the vast majority of my writing is extremely personal. I know this fear is irrational to many people, but it is crippling to me. Everyone is tortured by the fear of something & this is what affects me most. This & clowns, which are the demons that crawled out of the drain holes to hell.

So what are your thoughts? Share with me your fears & how you deal with them. I am open to advice, so shoot me a comment or email (visit my contact page) with your suggestions on how to let go of this terror that is strangling me, preventing me from pursuing my dreams. Share your recommendations on this subject & let’s help eachother out!

PS I hope to gain the courage to start posting some of my better, albeit more personal writing to my site soon so stay vigilant! 🙂

The Heart-BEAT

I am in the process of starting a 501c3 nonprofit organization for hopeful musicians. My goal is to assist in the acquisition of instruments, equipment, software, etc. required to produce/perform; as well as raise money to help these musicians fund their music lessons & even scholarships to music programs. I would ideally like to target small town or low-income musicians. I am passionate about the art of music & it’s influence globally & I want to help spread that worldwide! Check out the link below to my latest page for updates on the organization & see what we’re up to! 🙂 ❤

The Heart-BEAT ❤

For my Niece/Nephew

As I stare into your eyes
Before they have decided what color to be
You’re tiny & innocent
While you’re gazing up at me

I cannot wait
To watch you grow
So as time passes
I’ll beg it to slow

Before words you speak
I’ll kiss you on the cheek
Your tiny hand holding mine
The feeling is so divine

I love you now
I’ll hold you forever
You’ll wonder how
I’ll let go of you never

You can’t hold up your head
All you do is lay in bed
Counting sheep is not a thing
But you sure love toys that sing

Your room is full of giraffes
Unawares, you do arts & crafts
Fingers & toes covered in paint
To make gifts for us to claim

You’ll never grow old
You’ll always be younger than me
So you will always be told
How much you mean to me

Your skin like crushed velvet
Your hair fine peach fuzz
& when you need something
You make a big fuss

Swaddled in cashmere
With a cap to keep you warm
When you cry like a kitten
All the adults start to swarm

Live life to it’s fullest
Don’t die old & boring
Be the best you can be
Like an Eagle keep soaring

One boy & one girl
One silver, one gold
Take care of each other
Don’t try to fit the mould

Be kind, openhearted
Don’t judge like the rest
Befriend everyone
& put love to the test

Be patient, be caring
Be strong, & be good
Be obedient & sharing
Like you wish others would

Kisses & cuddles
& hugs everyday
No matter from where
Love always, ~AK

Playing with Perspective :)

So yesterday I decided to try something different that I haven’t done in years. I wrote from a friend’s Point of View. I took what I know about his situation & put his thoughts into my own words. He shall remain anonymous, but here is the result:

 

4.5 years down the drain

Was it wasted or was it just insane?

People can pry, but they’ll never know why

It was my own decision to fly

 

We met at night

Lived in the dark, not the light

But we grew apart

& now I get a fresh start

 

I may not know how

But I’ll find my own way

& I’m not gonna listen

To what others have to say

 

It’s not their job

To decide my fate

I’m a grown man

& that’s something I hate

 

I make my own tracks

& I spin ’em in the club

I drop hints for the girl

That I low key love

 

Smoke ’til no one

Can see my green eyes

So when she saw them

She was so surprised

 

Stay up every night

To watch the sun rise

& socialize with strangers

I don’t even recognize

Memaw

I gave my mother a copy of the adoption poem I wrote & my Memaw asked for one as well. But, I decided to write her something more personal instead 🙂

Memaws are smart

Memaws are kind

Memaws are fun

I’m so glad I have mine

 

Memaws make vegetable soup

They fill it with okra

They relax at home

& watch shows like Oprah

 

Memaws make homemade fudge

& mix pecans in half

But they leave half plain

Because I don’t like that riffraff

 

They take care of puppies,

Bunnies & doves alike

They help raise baby animals

And ride skinny wheeled bikes

 

Memaws keep secrets

They keep mothers in line

They take lemons in their water

They grow citrus, but not limes

 

Memaws go with Papaws

Who pretends he’s Moss Back

He scares kids in the pool

When the sky outside is black

 

Memaws are moms extended

They make kids follow rules

But, they feed us cookie dough

& that is pretty splendid

 

Memaws lay on rafts

So they don’t get their hair wet

But kids flip them over

& they get a whoopin’ threat

 

Memaws don’t judge so much

They often take your side

But sometimes they disagree

& they do so with pride

 

Memaws are loving creatures

They go slow & take their time

They love coffee & naptime

& are teaching all the time

Quote

Daily writing #2

So I would like to start by saying that I have uploaded all of the official photos from the MAC state pageant to http://www.facebook.com/MsLAcoed14 be sure to go check them out & don’t forget to like the page while you’re there for continued updates!

Second, don’t forget to check out my good friend Rachael’s blog http://www.rachaelleestroud.wordpress.com and remember that her new e-book is available at http://www.rachaelleestroud.wordpress.com/2014/08/11/coffee-and-keyboards-my-new-e-book-is-available-now/

Now, for todays daily writing I chose to do another of one of Rachael’s ideas. I am going to talk about how some song lyrics relate to my life right now. I actually just googled a song to go with a situation I’m in & I think the first one that popped up fits PERFECTLY! I cut out some of the repetition of the chorus, but here are the lyrics to the Hoobastank song, “Running Away.”

 

“I don’t want you, to give it all up

And leave your own life, collecting dust

And I don’t want you, to feel sorry for me

You never gave us, a chance to be

 

And I don’t need you, to be by my side

To tell me, that everything’s alright

I just wanted you, to tell me the truth

You know I’d do that for you

 

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away?

 

Cause I did enough, to show you that I

Was willing to give, and sacrifice

And I was the one, who was lifting you up

When you thought your life had had enough

 

And when I get close, you turn away

There’s nothing that I can do or say

So now I need you, to tell me the truth

You know I’d do that for you

 

Is it me, is it you?

Nothing that, I can do

To make you, change your mind – no

 

So why are you running away?

Why are you running away? (what is it, I have to say)

 

So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you’re afraid)

Why are you running away?”

 

You don’t have to continue reading if this post has gotten too long for you, I am just going to use this as an opportunity to vent basically. Perhaps the lyrics spoke to you & you just need to know that you are not the only one in your position. 

Basically, this is something I have been dealing with, the guy I am interested in has decided to run away from all that our relationship offered him. & just like the song says, don’t feel sorry for me, I believe that, he’s the one I feel sorry for never giving us a real chance, he has no idea what all he’s missing. 

& I don’t need him to sit & lie to me saying things are going to be okay when I know that is not true, his silence is hurting me more than his honesty. He hasn’t officially told me he wants to end things & if he does he needs to be up front with me & say that rather than continuing to string me along like he is. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, whether you think the other person wants to hear what you have to say or not. 

I understand that my guy has not had many people really be there for him in his life, for example he hasn’t seen his mom since he was about 3 months old. To him people aren’t reliable & I get that, but I really thought I had done enough to prove that I was different, I wanted to be a permanent fixture. At the same time I told him I would never try to hold him back & I have absolutely no interest in suffocating him, yet he is still running away. We are already long distance & he is moving even farther away rather than closer to me. He told me if we were in the same place he would fall in love with me. So does that scare him? Is that why he’s moving away rather than stay or come closer? I wish he could learn to trust. Me. & himself.

I know I can’t change his mind though, he’s hardheaded & stubborn just like I used to be. So I’m not going to try, I know he needs to figure things out on his own, just like I had to do for myself. 

There’s a lot more to the story I am not going to share to the general public, but I do know he is scared & he is running, just like in this song & I just want to know, “What is it, I have to say… to make you admit, you’re afraid?”

“Coffee & Keyboards”

So today my good friend Rachael Lee Clarkson (Stroud) released her new e-book entitled “Coffee & Keyboards.” I have already purchased it & fell instantly in love, as I do with all of her work. You can find more information about her book & how to purchase it on her blog here:

http://rachaelleestroud.wordpress.com

So chapter 2 is titled “Just Start Writing” & she challenges you to begin writing every single day. She listed a few ideas for themes to write about daily & I am choosing to write about number four today.

Rachael herself is a friend who has inspired me in many ways. She taught me what it was like to hang out & have fun with girls after years of having only male friends. She made having girlfriends fun! She did things like throw “Britney Spears” themed parties (although we turned out to look like the Spice Girls haha see photo below-Rachael is far left with her pup as Posh, & I’m far right as Sporty).

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She set a great example for what it means to be a “God Chick.” She taught me what a healthy boyfriend/girlfriend relationship or courtship should look like. & now she is inspiring me to write. So we will see how this goes from here… In the mean time, check out her blog or one of her books or her website & let her inspire you!