feelings

Fears vs Dreams

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Both my fears & my dreams keep me alive

I’m curious ‘bout the outcome so I fight to survive

 

My nerves are crippling

As I fear I will fail

So I choose to feel nothing

Stuff my goals behind a veil

 

But choosing not to feel

Means failing to live

So I relinquish my pride

& I beg life to give

 

The will to sacrifice is a growing desire

As grasping for my dreams kindles my fire

 

Ultimatums were made & now I must decide

If I will choose the path that puts him at my side

 

Another candle placed on the cake

A year comprised of many mistakes

 

Perhaps 28 holds improvement in store

Before I’ve seen the sun from every angle once more

Choose to Live: God’s Plan!

As a freshman in college back in 2008 I wrote the following journal entry about committing suicide by overdose & alcoholism:

Too bad life’s not a fairytale, it’s a nightmare! Just when you start having fun at the slumber party, the killing starts. There’s blood everywhere. You know it’s yours, but what you can’t figure out is who caused it? You could blame the world, after all, it caused the pain. But, you know in your heart that it was you. You spill your own blood to pour out the pain, but it never goes away. More emotions emerge now than ever before! Of course your body can’t get rid of them the way it does the blood. They just keep building & building while your blood is thinning & thinning. Everything is a blur, where’s your prescription to make it all clear? Oh, there it is! You found it… but still… just a blur… oh well, better use that water to rinse away the impurities. & then… nothing… You have been cleansed! No pain, no emotions, no brain going in every different direction, even the blood is gone.
PEACE!!! You run to find a mirror, but the reflection you see is not you. Who is that? Where are you? Well, that depends… some will wake up to torture worse than anything they have ever experienced! Others will never remember what they’ve experienced, never be tortured again, & go on living happily for eternity. I hope to be among the group of “others.”

I was in a decade of my life where I wanted to die while I would still look beautiful in my casket. I self mutilated, I cried my life away. I prayed in earnest about 18 hours of the day. But, nobody knew that I cried myself to sleep every night. I dreamed of ways to take my own life, but prayed that I didn’t have to. 

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future”

I believed this verse & held on to it with what little strength I had left. I was always taught that God created all things with a purpose; that he made no mistakes. If that holds true, & I am not a mistake, then I must have a purpose for this life I live. I had to constantly remind myself that God is all powerful. He controls everything, including my time on this planet. I knew that he could take my life at any time, in any way he so desired. So I reasoned the fact that I was still alive meant that I had not completed my purpose yet. If my purpose had been fulfilled, he would have no more use for me & I would already be gone. The fact that I was still alive meant I had some unfinished business here on this planet in my earthly, human, temporary body. I believe the choice is ours. We can choose to end our own life, but that is not what God wants. He wants us to live out the life he had planned for us, just like he wants us to chose to love him & follow his ways. 

1 Corinthians 10:13 

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

God will always be there, even when his presence can’t be felt. He will never forsake you. You just have to trust him, & most importantly, trust his timing, which is perfect! You do not have to know your purpose to fulfill it. God knows why he created you & he is working through your life in marvelous ways. As I’ve heard said before, “this world needs your presence, not your perfection.” The accuracy of that statement is astounding! We all have our flaws, but they are a part of God’s plan. He created every imperfection, every scar, every breath that vibrates the cells of your glorious being. Your existence is solely his decision, so don’t try to play God. Allow his plan to unfold. & when you die—on his terms—you can inquire with him directly regarding your role in life & how well you completed it. But for the time being, seek the patience to trust him. Choose to live! Every second of every minute of every day if you have to. Make the decision as often as you must, knowing that it may not stick the first time or the first 100 times. But, speak life into existence, make a real effort. Because, YOU deserve to be alive!

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Happy Monday

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It is often a challenge to encourage others. Even the most positive people have bad days. We are all human, no one is immune to this phenomenon. When you’re feeling down it can be hard to think about putting others first. But remember how important it is. Making someone else smile may just be what you need. When you see others in a good mood it can put you in a good mood. & your good mood may just be what the other person needs to be happy. It’s a never ending circle. What you put out is what you will receive. So put out joy & it shall return to you. Have a great day, make it count! Get out & grind this week! Make things happen! As always, you control your happiness. 💙

A Family of Strangers

A family of strangers

is a gathering of friends

Who met once upon a time

& remained bonded ’til the end

 

From each far reaching corner

of this spherical Earth

Accumulating like magnets

to bask in each others worth

 

Swimming across oceans

Climbing mountain peaks

Crossing legal borders

To love endlessly

 

Bonding over campfires

Listening to tunes

Even playing with light-up balloons

 

Sharing our souls

Good vibes spread throughout

Selflessness offered up

Joyous praises we shout

 

Developing crushes

We seek only to hide

Because fear of rejection

Is detrimental to our pride

 

We’re incapable of accepting

the love that we deserve

Because too many times

we’ve been kicked to the curb 

 

We show affection

to those who aren’t us

Yet we wonder how

their love we can trust

 

If we can’t love ourselves

How can others return

They can’t reciprocate

What we continue to burn

 

Feelings cause pain

when you don’t believe

That love is there

for you to receive 

 

You circle back to homies

Your sisters & brothers

To forget about emotions

& not let them smother

 

Positivity is a Virus

Positivity is a virus
You can easily transmit
It’s highly contagious
Don’t fear spreading it

You infect one life
& so they affect others
Thus a ripple begins
Which this world, it smothers

Waves traveling forward
Across oceans, across land
From one soul to the next
’Til together we all stand

Sick with this virus
Mutated into those
Who love one another
Whose hearts have been transposed

Each frozen thought thawed
Every mind opened wide
So that we can all see
The beauty held inside

There will be no more heartache
No tears shed from wet eyes
No pain, only joy
Sunshine & butterflies

Smiles on every face
Arms open wide
Diversity embraced
Conflicts set aside

Who knows how far
Your ripple will go?
The world is a sphere
So in circles it flows

Disease is the answer
Like zombies we unite
Don’t cower in the darkness
Be positive, spread your light

Hearts, like oreos, don’t break even

I once heard that hearts don’t break even
Today I realized the truth of this phrase
The reality is that splits are like twisting oreos apart
The icing inside is never sliced smooth down the center
It’s rough & jagged & disproportionate on either side
Sometimes one side steals all the delicate delicious filling from the inside & the other is left completely barren

To quote a monologue from the movie Call Me by Your Name
“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 & have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste!”

I am the oreo who was stripped bare, & by 27 I was bankrupt with nothing left to offer the next person who enters my life. I am trying to open up, let people in. But shutting down is so much easier when all I’ve ever known is disappointment & disappearance taking with it every piece of my soul I had invested in that person. Guess I’m just venting today, no rhyme or reason lol. But this is the real me. & it shares a little about my writing too. That’s the reason I keep 95% of my writing to myself is because I pour my heart & soul into it, & I fear someone stealing that work, which contains my soul, or judging it as so often happens to me as a person.

Fight Hostility Created by Diversity

After traveling as much as I have you come to find how utterly indifferent Americans are to welcoming diversity. We call ourselves a melting pot because people from all over the globe congregate here. Whether seeking asylum from their motherland or simply looking for a fresh start in the magical land where everyone has equal rights & anything is possible. What’s truly amazing is how, despite the diversity provided here in the United States, people are completely oblivious to the fundamental principles involved in accepting others. We have more diversity than most countries & yet I feel we are in the most turmoil because of it. This does not have to be the case. There are three key steps I feel we must implement in order to reduce the hostility created by diversity.

  1. Observe (look, listen, learn)
  2. Process
  3. Act

In order to observe something you have to be fully engaged. Look with your eyes, what do you see? Listen with your ears, what do you hear? & most importantly of all, contemplate what you can learn from this. The first part of observation may seem the simplest, but I believe that in fact it is not. Too often people look & only see what is different: the color of a person’s skin for example. However, they fail to notice what is the same: it is still another living, breathing human with red blood flowing through his/her veins. Listening too is not so simple as it may appear. Once again too many people focus on the differences, for example a language barrier; forgetting that smile is the universal language everyone understands. & as when interacting with small children or the hearing impaired, hand signals combined with body language are often very effective means of communication.

In my opinion though, the most important part of observation is learning. Always consider what you can learn from what you witness. The more you understand someone/something the less frightening it will seem. I crossed paths with a very large moth last night. Now, I am no lepidopterist, & I will admit the initial sight of it caught me by surprise, but I didn’t let it scare me. Rather I approached it slowly. I took a few photos & later got on my computer & researched it. I did this to learn more about the creature, to better understand it & its purpose. The more you know, the easier it is to grasp that everyone & everything on this Earth serves a purpose, if for no other reason than to make our time on this block of rock floating through space significantly less boring. This is why is it important to take the time to study, research, & postpone judgement.

The next step is to process all this information. Consider all you have observed. What is different, what are the similarities, how can this benefit society. Does this person know or understand something you cannot? Can they help improve your life in some way? Maybe they are a biochemist who will one day develop the lifesaving medication you require to survive. Maybe they are an electrical engineer who wants to make your life easier by creating technology that is more user friendly & affordable. Maybe they are simply capable of cooking you the best meal you’ve ever had in your life or providing for your ears the most glorious music you’ve ever heard. Everyone serves a purpose, maybe it is to teach you a lesson like patience, but whatever their purpose is, you best believe they have one! So, before you judge, try to focus on these things. Find one positive attribute or search for a purpose you may be overlooking.

Once you have observed & processed, the only thing left to do is to act! Now while this may seem the most daunting task, truthfully, it is far from it! If you have put in the work to find out why this person exists, why they are crossing your path, what one positive thing they provide, how they are similar to you… Accepting them, embracing them, & even loving them will seem easy. ❤

PS here is the moth I ran into last night 🙂

Gypsy moth

Be the Light

I don’t often share things immediately after I write them. Hell sometimes I wait a year(s) to post them. But, I just shared what I wrote tonight with some people (also uncharacteristic of me) so I figured I might as well go ahead & post it….

2-20-18
If you’re standing at the end of a rainbow
How would you know?
You wouldn’t be able to see it around you
You can’t always see the beauty surrounding you

It’s all about perspective
Everything is relative

When you’re standing in the rain
How can you explain?
Can you see the edge of the cloud
Is the thunder quiet, is it loud?

It’s all about perspective
Everything is relative

Is that girl a whore
Or could she be more?
Maybe her heart is just sore
But maybe it could be restored

Is that girl a queen
Or do some things go unseen
Maybe she has flaws
She hides behind manicured claws

It’s all about perspective
Everything is relative

In the middle of the ocean
You can sink or you can swim
On the dry desert sand
You can dance with every limb

It’s not about where you are
Or the situation you’re in
But reaching for the stars
& knowing help is within

So put on a smile
Make someone grin
Do it once in a while
Cause that’s how you win

You could be someone’s light
In their world of darkness
So liven things up
Freshen up the starkness

You can’t know
How far your light will go
Like a ripple on the water
One wave creates another
Like the sun getting hotter
’Til the rays start to smother

So be that warmth
In a world that is cold
Tell people they’re loved
In case they were never told

Spread love & joy & hugs everywhere
So when people feel it, they too will share ❤

Forever Alone (5/15/17)

So close, yet so far away
Why didn’t I listen to what the past had to say?
If time tells the truth
I should listen to my youth

All pain, no guy cares
Missing laughter no one shares
It’s all the same
Everything ends in shame

Stolen moments pass to quickly
& boys’ kisses never miss me

Peoples’ words never hurt
Until they lose what they mean
Their definitions are different
Than what they seem

Sometimes I cry
& I know exactly why
Forever alone
Scared to die without a home

Almost in heaven
Almost a dream
Caring never felt
Now doesn’t that seem mean?

They say they don’t know
How others could pass
But it feels the same
When things don’t last

Saying means nothing
Words are just excuses
But you mean everything
Leaving nothing but bruises

Wounds on my heart
[From] the moment we part

Don’t tell me one thing
When you really mean another
Share me with your family
Tell your father & your brother

I miss you daily
I miss that walk of life
But when you speak to me now
I feel nothing but strife