Learning to Let Go

Letting go is becoming all I know. I am learning to surrender to circumstances I cannot control. I have often told others to let go of things they can’t control. Tell them not to let it affect them, just shake it off or ignore it, it will only add stress to your life. Yet, this is a practice that I have struggled to put into place for myself. 

For years I have let guilt, shame, & fear rule my life. I cared so much about how I was viewed by others. I constantly degraded myself for not pleasing everyone, not realizing how many people actually did appreciate me. I was too concerned with those who didn’t care for me that I took for granted people who were grateful to have me in their life. The ugly truth of the matter is that you will never successfully satisfy everyone you come into contact with. It’s impossible. Think about it. If Jesus couldn’t do it, neither will you be able to. Hate to burst your bubble. #SorryNotSorry This realization was highly enlightening & freeing for me. I began to feel lighter. The burden of others’ negative opinions was no longer a gorilla sitting on my chest. I started to notice more positive things about myself & wonder why I wasted so much time trying to impress people who deserve to posses no portion of my attention. 

Time was my worst enemy. I judged myself & based my level of “success” on what I had or had not accomplished up to this point in my life. I hated the fact that I am 28 years old & still haven’t found a spouse or even someone to be in a relationship with. I was angry for having still not posted my poetry, most of which has never been read, in some form of book. I couldn’t stand the fact that I found myself back in school & have yet to start my career. I felt my  body clock ticking on having a child, especially given I only have one ovary. Just to be clear, I believe finding a husband comes before having a child, & thus I felt even more pressure in that area of my life. I felt myself aging, using my schedule & exhaustion as an excuse to refrain from exercise, but the reality is that I had such low self esteem that I wasn’t motivated to take care of my body because I didn’t believe it deserved to be treated or look any better than my mental state. 

I was recently reminded how important it is to take care of yourself. To set goals, break them down, & work towards them. Set target dates to accomplish these mile markers & reward yourself when you reach your ultimate milestone. My buddy recommended a book for me to read & a specific journal to help me break down my goals & work on increasing gratitude in my life. I will admit, I have not committed as much time as I should have to these materials, or at least not as much as I would have liked to. & I am certainly still figuring out how to utilize them. Yet, even this slight inspiration has made a world of difference in my life thus far. Three weeks ago I was in a very dark place! & I had been in that place for a few months. I thought I hid it well, but of course my mother saw right through it all. In fact, she is the main reason I noticed how much better I am feeling these days. She pointed out last week what a change she has seen in me, my whole demeanor. She used the term “fighter” to describe me & that gave me a new sense of power. I realized for the first time that I am making positive strides. I am cutting negative ties, setting goals, & working towards the future I want for myself. It is an immensely good feeling to realize that you genuinely ceased to care about the opinion of others who have belittled you & suffocated you for so long, when they are going nowhere themselves. 

I had once heard someone say that it is easier for someone to pull you down from a chair than you to pull them up onto it. It finally clicked with me that I had been letting others pull me down for so long. I am no longer letting that happen. I may not be able to pull them up to my level with me, but I am certainly not looking down anymore. I am vowing to only heed the wisdom of those more driven than myself. I’m not waiting for the new year to start my resolution. I can’t change the past & I won’t worry about the future. I will trust God’s timing, knowing that it is perfect & it is absolute. It is not relative to what I want, but I have to make moves to make it happen. You can’t expect things to happen if all you do is sit & wait. 

PSA: Check out the book my pal recommended for me (link below)

“Own the day, Own Your Life” ~Aubrey Marcus ❤

Being YOUR best SELF

“Be your best self” is a phrase I heard as a child through the Junior Miss organization. It took me a while to grasp the meaning of this phrase. Over time I have come to utilize this or variations of the phrase myself. I believe that the ultimate point here is exactly what it says, to be the best version of yourself that you can, no matter who that may be.

Who you are isn’t what you look like, how you dress, where you work, the kind of car you drive, your sexual preference, your religion, your race, your age, your gender, your weight, or any other such factor. Who you are is the person you choose to be. You are your heart. Is that heart frozen & two sizes too small? Or is that heart so warm & full of love it is bounding inside your chest, just dying to get out? 

Others do not get to decide who you are, that is a decision only you can make. Judgement plays no role in your makeup. When we let the fear of others control us we lose sight, at least temporarily, of our true selves. Seek not the approval of others, simply be the best human you can be & go to sleep satisfied, knowing you put forth your best effort to be the kindest, most genuine person you could. So in order to keep this message concise & sweet. I will end by saying go out into the world, my lovelies, & “be YOUR best SELF!” ❤

Fears vs Dreams

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Both my fears & my dreams keep me alive

I’m curious ‘bout the outcome so I fight to survive

 

My nerves are crippling

As I fear I will fail

So I choose to feel nothing

Stuff my goals behind a veil

 

But choosing not to feel

Means failing to live

So I relinquish my pride

& I beg life to give

 

The will to sacrifice is a growing desire

As grasping for my dreams kindles my fire

 

Ultimatums were made & now I must decide

If I will choose the path that puts him at my side

 

Another candle placed on the cake

A year comprised of many mistakes

 

Perhaps 28 holds improvement in store

Before I’ve seen the sun from every angle once more

Happy Monday

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It is often a challenge to encourage others. Even the most positive people have bad days. We are all human, no one is immune to this phenomenon. When you’re feeling down it can be hard to think about putting others first. But remember how important it is. Making someone else smile may just be what you need. When you see others in a good mood it can put you in a good mood. & your good mood may just be what the other person needs to be happy. It’s a never ending circle. What you put out is what you will receive. So put out joy & it shall return to you. Have a great day, make it count! Get out & grind this week! Make things happen! As always, you control your happiness. 💙

A Family of Strangers

A family of strangers

is a gathering of friends

Who met once upon a time

& remained bonded ’til the end

 

From each far reaching corner

of this spherical Earth

Accumulating like magnets

to bask in each others worth

 

Swimming across oceans

Climbing mountain peaks

Crossing legal borders

To love endlessly

 

Bonding over campfires

Listening to tunes

Even playing with light-up balloons

 

Sharing our souls

Good vibes spread throughout

Selflessness offered up

Joyous praises we shout

 

Developing crushes

We seek only to hide

Because fear of rejection

Is detrimental to our pride

 

We’re incapable of accepting

the love that we deserve

Because too many times

we’ve been kicked to the curb 

 

We show affection

to those who aren’t us

Yet we wonder how

their love we can trust

 

If we can’t love ourselves

How can others return

They can’t reciprocate

What we continue to burn

 

Feelings cause pain

when you don’t believe

That love is there

for you to receive 

 

You circle back to homies

Your sisters & brothers

To forget about emotions

& not let them smother

 

What makes you free?

I live in a country that was founded on freedom, yet I feel I am a slave. I have all of the opportunities & choices in the world laid out before me. I have a proper education. & to be completely honest, I thought that was enough. I got my degree in German & International Studies & was convinced that was all I would need to travel the world. But as it turns out, that is not. Travel costs money & very few jobs actually sponsor travel. My job entitles me to work for the government & such. But, I have no interest in that sort of thing. I want freedom. I don’t want to be strapped down by a daily obligation to the law five days a week. I don’t want to sit at a desk or in any sort of office & consort with others who are content to live that lifestyle. I want to be free, I want to be me. Wild hearts weren’t meant to be broken & I’m ready to set mine free!

I know what controls me. It’s my obsession with money! The fact that I was born with a “silver suppository” up my ass & never had to work for anything I truly wanted. My life was handed to me on a platter as I grew up, I never wanted for anything & that was the worst thing my parents could have ever done for me because it didn’t teach me to fight for anything! They still support me as long as I “obey” their rules & pretend to be the person they want me to be. But I’m tired of the facade.  Tired of putting on an act just to please the hand that feeds me. I am so over feeling like someone’s property, I want the courage to fight for a life worth living, but I don’t know where to find it. I guess that’s why I am writing this post. If anyone reading this is truly following their dreams. If you have ever risked everything in order to be free to be the person you always wanted to be. To live the life you’ve always wanted, without being controlled by anyone or anything else. To live an exotic, exciting life others could only dream of… PLEASE reach out to me! Go to my contact page & tell me your story! I’d love to hear what you have to share! ❤

PS

I feel like a tiny, shriveled up, atrophied bundle of cells. I want to grow! But I can’t do that when I’m hovering under the shade of the hand that feeds me. I have to be willing to run out into the sun & trust that water will fall from the sky to nourish me. I need to rely less on being served & be willing to weather the elements. Flowers don’t grow inside. Nothing kept in captivity flourishes as it does in the wild

Live like you are dying …because you are!

I was thinking about time again this past weekend. I heard the old country song “Live Like You Were Dying” & as things often do, it hit me in all the feels! The song is about a man who finds out he doesn’t have much longer to live, & so he chooses to live life to it’s fullest. Skydiving & climbing & bull riding, but also treating people, including his wife, better. It just got me to wondering though. Why should it require that kind of fear to jolt us into being a better person?

I mean let’s be honest here… We’re ALL dying! Some sooner than others, sure. You may not perish today, this week, this month, or even this year! But there’s no getting out of here alive! Regardless of what you believe about souls & what happens after death, your human, fleshly, earthly body will die. It will disintegrate, rot, be decomposed into mere molecules, atoms that make up the many elements of this extraordinary planet.

So why wait for tomorrow to live your dreams, to check things off your bucket list, or to become an overall better person, whatever that may mean to you. Work on controlling an addiction, seeking help even if necessary. Show compassion, empathy, kindness; not only to those you see consistently, but to even the most random of strangers. Remind your loved ones they are loved even when they may not be making it easy. Set aside time every day to practice a hobby. Also make time to relax, take in a deep breathe & enjoy the fact that there is Oxygen in your lungs. Take nothing for granted, be grateful for everything. If you are reading this post means you have internet, be grateful for that if nothing else. Start small & simple then build on it. Make a bucket list if you haven’t already, don’t worry if it’s realistic or not! Try to put some realistic goals on there & then throw on a few extravagant ones as well! You will work harder, the more lavish your goals are. If you think small, you aim small. I’ve always heard the phrase “shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars.” I’m honestly not sure who originally coined the phrase, but I think they were right. The higher you set your goals the higher you will aim & the harder you will work to attain them. That way even if you never achieve your most outlandish goal, you will at least accomplish some of the things you’ve always wanted along the way. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket either! Meaning, don’t make all of your goals about the same thing. Not just money & career driven, throw a few fun things on there as well, some lighthearted stuff to keep you young. Set small, attainable goals along the way to make sure you are steadily progressing not remaining stagnant. Challenge yourself, play games against yourself. See how many strangers you can make smile. Pick a number & set aside that much money a paycheck to put towards your most expensive goal. Don’t compromise! Push yourself! It’s good to be content in life, that is important for happiness, but not to the extent that you stop growing as a person.

Just remember that you will die one day. No one knows at exactly what second that will be, so why waste time becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be! You will not fear death if you live the life you’ve always wanted. Imagine, a life free of regret, guilt & shame. A life where you aren’t worried about running out of time to complete your purpose. But a life where you are satisfied, comfortable & confident in the decisions you make & in your actions. Live passionately my friends! ❤