Hi there! Just wanted to remind you today that you are loved, in case no one has told you that yet. I apologize for my lack of communication. I have been finding it quite difficult to motivate myself these last couple of weeks. Tonight I decided I was just going to force myself to sit down & write, & I think that’s exactly what we need to do sometimes. Because, the truth is, motivation is not an inherent human characteristic. It is a trait that is cultivated over time & increased with practice. Occasionally things may spark our interest in something or someone may inspire us, but motivation doesn’t just appear out of thin air. It is similar to self control, a mental muscle that must be exercised to stay strong. Just like anything, once you push the boulder over the ledge, as it falls it will gain momentum. So it is with motivation, once you force yourself to act on whatever it is that you are struggling to do. It certainly won’t be easy at first, but once you get over that initial hump, the more often you convince yourself to do it, eventually it will seem like less work. So my challenge for you today is to MAKE MOVES! Do whatever it is that you have been avoiding. Don’t put it off, wait for the new year, wait for motivation to just fall out of the sky & hit you in the head, wait for someone to encourage you… No! Just do it yourself. Start out small if you have to & build from there so you don’t burn out. Tomorrow is a new day. Let’s MAKE IT HAPPEN! ❤
For those who work a typical Monday-Friday job, you are likely finishing up your first day of the business week. I hope it went well! But, if not, don’t stress. There is always tomorrow. You don’t have to wait for next week, next month, or even the new year to get a fresh start. Make that change now! Don’t waste time dwelling on what has already occurred. The past cannot be changed no matter how hard you try. So get up, brush it off, go for a walk, get your blood pumping & clear your mind. Focus on where to go from here. What is your next move?
I once heard that judgement is an unnecessary evil, & you don’t need to blame yourself. Just focus your energy into something positive, into your goals. Take an inventory of your body, how things feel, your hurts & pains. But know that what you observe is neither right nor wrong. Be kind to yourself, as you would be to a child. This kindness is important. Respect yourself & your body, & know that thoughts & sensations, even of pain, aren’t permanent. Acknowledge anything felt in your body or mind & choose to honor yourself in its presence. Perhaps you find an area of muscle tension, give it a gentle massage. You may find sadness, accept that it is okay to not be okay. Perfection is merely an relative term to describe a state of being that will forever remain out of reach to each individual due to it’s imaginary construct in the mind of said individual. In other words, the definition of “perfection” varies person to person, & by reaching one person’s idea of perfection does not bring satisfaction knowing that in your own mind there are still things you lack to be considered perfect in your own eyes. Thus, true perfection is eternally unattainable. Keeping this in mind, accept who you are, make peace with your flaws. Perhaps you had a spectacular day! Keep fueling that fire of positivity with gratitude. Be grateful you had a satisfactory day, because not every day is going to feel so. Take a moment to enjoy where you are at, & reflect on what factors contributed to today being so great. Try to hold on to those concepts & continue to implement them whenever possible to increase the chances of repetitive success.
Wherever you fall on the spectrum today, know that it is not forever. Time is fleeting. I wish everyone had a great day every day, but such is not life. Life, as we all know, is a rollercoaster. You just have to learn to appreciate the dips & sharp turns as much as the rest of the ride, for all together the ride is life. ❤
Letting go is becoming all I know. I am learning to surrender to circumstances I cannot control. I have often told others to let go of things they can’t control. Tell them not to let it affect them, just shake it off or ignore it, it will only add stress to your life. Yet, this is a practice that I have struggled to put into place for myself.
For years I have let guilt, shame, & fear rule my life. I cared so much about how I was viewed by others. I constantly degraded myself for not pleasing everyone, not realizing how many people actually did appreciate me. I was too concerned with those who didn’t care for me that I took for granted people who were grateful to have me in their life. The ugly truth of the matter is that you will never successfully satisfy everyone you come into contact with. It’s impossible. Think about it. If Jesus couldn’t do it, neither will you be able to. Hate to burst your bubble. #SorryNotSorry This realization was highly enlightening & freeing for me. I began to feel lighter. The burden of others’ negative opinions was no longer a gorilla sitting on my chest. I started to notice more positive things about myself & wonder why I wasted so much time trying to impress people who deserve to posses no portion of my attention.
Time was my worst enemy. I judged myself & based my level of “success” on what I had or had not accomplished up to this point in my life. I hated the fact that I am 28 years old & still haven’t found a spouse or even someone to be in a relationship with. I was angry for having still not posted my poetry, most of which has never been read, in some form of book. I couldn’t stand the fact that I found myself back in school & have yet to start my career. I felt my body clock ticking on having a child, especially given I only have one ovary. Just to be clear, I believe finding a husband comes before having a child, & thus I felt even more pressure in that area of my life. I felt myself aging, using my schedule & exhaustion as an excuse to refrain from exercise, but the reality is that I had such low self esteem that I wasn’t motivated to take care of my body because I didn’t believe it deserved to be treated or look any better than my mental state.
I was recently reminded how important it is to take care of yourself. To set goals, break them down, & work towards them. Set target dates to accomplish these mile markers & reward yourself when you reach your ultimate milestone. My buddy recommended a book for me to read & a specific journal to help me break down my goals & work on increasing gratitude in my life. I will admit, I have not committed as much time as I should have to these materials, or at least not as much as I would have liked to. & I am certainly still figuring out how to utilize them. Yet, even this slight inspiration has made a world of difference in my life thus far. Three weeks ago I was in a very dark place! & I had been in that place for a few months. I thought I hid it well, but of course my mother saw right through it all. In fact, she is the main reason I noticed how much better I am feeling these days. She pointed out last week what a change she has seen in me, my whole demeanor. She used the term “fighter” to describe me & that gave me a new sense of power. I realized for the first time that I am making positive strides. I am cutting negative ties, setting goals, & working towards the future I want for myself. It is an immensely good feeling to realize that you genuinely ceased to care about the opinion of others who have belittled you & suffocated you for so long, when they are going nowhere themselves.
I had once heard someone say that it is easier for someone to pull you down from a chair than you to pull them up onto it. It finally clicked with me that I had been letting others pull me down for so long. I am no longer letting that happen. I may not be able to pull them up to my level with me, but I am certainly not looking down anymore. I am vowing to only heed the wisdom of those more driven than myself. I’m not waiting for the new year to start my resolution. I can’t change the past & I won’t worry about the future. I will trust God’s timing, knowing that it is perfect & it is absolute. It is not relative to what I want, but I have to make moves to make it happen. You can’t expect things to happen if all you do is sit & wait.
PSA: Check out the book my pal recommended for me (link below)
“Own the day, Own Your Life” ~Aubrey Marcus ❤
“Be your best self” is a phrase I heard as a child through the Junior Miss organization. It took me a while to grasp the meaning of this phrase. Over time I have come to utilize this or variations of the phrase myself. I believe that the ultimate point here is exactly what it says, to be the best version of yourself that you can, no matter who that may be.
Who you are isn’t what you look like, how you dress, where you work, the kind of car you drive, your sexual preference, your religion, your race, your age, your gender, your weight, or any other such factor. Who you are is the person you choose to be. You are your heart. Is that heart frozen & two sizes too small? Or is that heart so warm & full of love it is bounding inside your chest, just dying to get out?
Others do not get to decide who you are, that is a decision only you can make. Judgement plays no role in your makeup. When we let the fear of others control us we lose sight, at least temporarily, of our true selves. Seek not the approval of others, simply be the best human you can be & go to sleep satisfied, knowing you put forth your best effort to be the kindest, most genuine person you could. So in order to keep this message concise & sweet. I will end by saying go out into the world, my lovelies, & “be YOUR best SELF!” ❤
Both my fears & my dreams keep me alive
I’m curious ‘bout the outcome so I fight to survive
My nerves are crippling
As I fear I will fail
So I choose to feel nothing
Stuff my goals behind a veil
But choosing not to feel
Means failing to live
So I relinquish my pride
& I beg life to give
The will to sacrifice is a growing desire
As grasping for my dreams kindles my fire
Ultimatums were made & now I must decide
If I will choose the path that puts him at my side
Another candle placed on the cake
A year comprised of many mistakes
Perhaps 28 holds improvement in store
Before I’ve seen the sun from every angle once more
As a freshman in college back in 2008 I wrote the following journal entry about committing suicide by overdose & alcoholism:
Too bad life’s not a fairytale, it’s a nightmare! Just when you start having fun at the slumber party, the killing starts. There’s blood everywhere. You know it’s yours, but what you can’t figure out is who caused it? You could blame the world, after all, it caused the pain. But, you know in your heart that it was you. You spill your own blood to pour out the pain, but it never goes away. More emotions emerge now than ever before! Of course your body can’t get rid of them the way it does the blood. They just keep building & building while your blood is thinning & thinning. Everything is a blur, where’s your prescription to make it all clear? Oh, there it is! You found it… but still… just a blur… oh well, better use that water to rinse away the impurities. & then… nothing… You have been cleansed! No pain, no emotions, no brain going in every different direction, even the blood is gone.
PEACE!!! You run to find a mirror, but the reflection you see is not you. Who is that? Where are you? Well, that depends… some will wake up to torture worse than anything they have ever experienced! Others will never remember what they’ve experienced, never be tortured again, & go on living happily for eternity. I hope to be among the group of “others.”
I was in a decade of my life where I wanted to die while I would still look beautiful in my casket. I self mutilated, I cried my life away. I prayed in earnest about 18 hours of the day. But, nobody knew that I cried myself to sleep every night. I dreamed of ways to take my own life, but prayed that I didn’t have to.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future”
I believed this verse & held on to it with what little strength I had left. I was always taught that God created all things with a purpose; that he made no mistakes. If that holds true, & I am not a mistake, then I must have a purpose for this life I live. I had to constantly remind myself that God is all powerful. He controls everything, including my time on this planet. I knew that he could take my life at any time, in any way he so desired. So I reasoned the fact that I was still alive meant that I had not completed my purpose yet. If my purpose had been fulfilled, he would have no more use for me & I would already be gone. The fact that I was still alive meant I had some unfinished business here on this planet in my earthly, human, temporary body. I believe the choice is ours. We can choose to end our own life, but that is not what God wants. He wants us to live out the life he had planned for us, just like he wants us to chose to love him & follow his ways.
1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
God will always be there, even when his presence can’t be felt. He will never forsake you. You just have to trust him, & most importantly, trust his timing, which is perfect! You do not have to know your purpose to fulfill it. God knows why he created you & he is working through your life in marvelous ways. As I’ve heard said before, “this world needs your presence, not your perfection.” The accuracy of that statement is astounding! We all have our flaws, but they are a part of God’s plan. He created every imperfection, every scar, every breath that vibrates the cells of your glorious being. Your existence is solely his decision, so don’t try to play God. Allow his plan to unfold. & when you die—on his terms—you can inquire with him directly regarding your role in life & how well you completed it. But for the time being, seek the patience to trust him. Choose to live! Every second of every minute of every day if you have to. Make the decision as often as you must, knowing that it may not stick the first time or the first 100 times. But, speak life into existence, make a real effort. Because, YOU deserve to be alive!
Last month I decided I wanted to donate my birthday to my favorite charity. I paired with a charity I’ve been working with since 2013. My goal was to raise $280 for charity for my 28th birthday. Later that same day I was honored to have met that goal thanks to one generous donor. I am still in shock about this a month later & inconceivably gracious! That being said, I’m not stopping there, I am RAISING my fundraising goal & hope to keep going until I meet/pass this new goal! For those still reading, the charity is called Cupid’s & it helps raise money for research for treatment/a cure for Neurofibromatosis (NF), a genetic disorder in which tumors form on nervous tissue. If you are feeling generous, or are curious about why I care so much about this cause, check out my fundraising page here: